A Dark Planet

Full Frame 2011 - a doc lover's 4-day weekend.

2011-04-19T06:21:00.009-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eq_ogQtpteQ

Last week Ted flew in and we began our annual rite of Spring, the Full Frame Documentary Film Festival.

For those deprived souls who don't have a film festival, this is how it works. You choose the films you think you want to see based on subject matter and film maker, neither of which is a sure indicator that the film will be good. The doc you weren't sure about becomes a surprise favorite while the film maker you love and would gladly grip her next project for free, serves up a yawner.

This tricky process mirrors our larger life choices, only with less vomiting and tears. Some films will surprise you, some will disappoint and some you will miss just because you can't see 'em all. My advice is to concentrate on the good films and forget about the inevitable stinkers.

With that in mind, I won't dwell on the disappointments, any more than I would on ex-girlfriends, blog trolls or unsatisfying novels.

In chronological order:

Guilty Pleasures, directed by Julie Moggan, is one of those films that if I'd chosen it on subject alone, I would have passed. I would have missed a great documentary that is not about romance novels, but about love and commitment and sacrifice that, in the end, is more satisfying than any fantasy.

This was the festival's opening film and a great choice for a primer on storytelling, with each character getting their own 3-acts. It was also the American debut.

Buck, directed by Cindy Meehl is a gem. You should search it out. Beautifully shot and edited, it's a solid film with a no-nonsense character at its center. Here's the trailer: www.buckthefilm.com.

The Bengali Detective is another film with a strong character at its center. The film follows an entrepreneurial, self-made private eye as he and his team try to solve three cases, one a multiple homicide. The logistics of shooting in Calcutta alone are boggling.

Burma Soldier is the story of Myo Myint, a casualty of the civil war in closed off Burma. Myint went from being a young soldier to becoming a voice for the democracy movement, which landed him in a Burmese prison for 15 years. Myint made it out to tell his story, captured by film makers, Nic Dunlop and Rickie Stern, narrated by Colin Farrell.

One of the real joys of this festival is the opportunity to meet the directors of the films. In this case, the subject, Myo Myint, made a tearful appearance before a standing ovation at the Carolina Theater. A beautiful experience.

One Night in Kernersville, directed by Rodrigo Dorfman is a beautifully shot short about the John Brown Jazz Orchestra recording in Mitch Easter's studio. Not surprisingly, it won the award for best short at the festival.

Tabloid, by Erroll Morris. Highly entertaining and in Morris' words, “It’s a return to my favorite genre – sick, sad and funny ... It is a meditation on how we are shaped by the media and even more powerfully, by ourselves.”

Corman's World, directed by Alex Stapleton and featuring interviews with Martin Scorsese, Robert De Niro, Jack Nicholson and others who owe a large debt to Roger Corman. Corman is the producer and director who, it's said, made 400 pictures and never lost a dime. If you love matinees like Attack of the Leech People then you've seen Roger Corman's work. Great stuff.

Every one of these docs is a class in how to tell a story. Each is different, each has its own POV and voice and each is worth the effort to look them up. You won't be disappointed.

As usual, I missed a number of award winners: Scenes of a Crime, How to Die in Oregon, Pit No. 8 and several others were honored on Sunday. They'll go on my Netflix queue.

A special thanks to archivist Rick Prelinger who screened some fascinating selections like Buddy Can You Spare A Dime?, Strictly Propaganda and America Lost and Found.

Full Frame, I love you.

A new web site.

2011-03-26T13:22:00.004-04:00

I needed to update my web site so that prospective employers could see my most recent work.

This is the opening page. The design is very simple and the pages few. The tone should be familiar to readers of this blog. Now, all I need to do is slice it up, paste it all into Dreamweaver and link the links. I'll start on that later today and hope to have something up by Monday morning.

In the meantime, I wrote a few hundred new words on the novel. Not great, but it's progress.

UPDATE: It's alive! It's alive! New web site is up at http://www.davidterrenoire.com/

Someone needs a reminder.

2011-03-26T09:10:00.003-04:00

I had lunch with a good friend yesterday and we didn't talk politics, because we wanted it to be a good time, right? Because we're all disappointed that Obama wasn't the reformer we'd hoped he'd be and much of what is wrong with where we're heading is still wrong.

Wars, Gitmo, the tax breaks, etc. We all have a list.

But then I think back to 2008 and see what could have happened. Jesus, imagine these two in charge during the greatest financial meltdown of our lifetime?

I said at the time that Obama won't be everything his supporters hope nor his detractors suspect, but still, standing next to McCain and Palin, he looks pretty damn good.

A low point.

2011-03-24T19:26:00.003-04:00

Today's been rough. The payout that Jenny was promised is now, after the paperwork is done, only two months instead of three. That means our ability to pay our bills has just been shortened by thirty days.

I continue to work on the novel, which in today's market is like buying lottery tickets, and I continue to update my web site so that prospective employers can see my portfolio.

Which in today's market, also feels like buying a lottery ticket.

But what else am I going to do?

Men at Work

2011-03-22T03:26:00.002-04:00

With the help of a friend I've got my computer talking to my web host. That's good.

I still can't figure out how to make a few small changes until I can get the time to completely redesign the site. That's bad.

I'm thinking about it, in the dark, at 3 a.m. That's not great, but OK.

I'm in here trying to get it to work again at 3:30. Not so good.

I should be working on the novel.

Updating my web site.

2011-03-18T08:52:00.002-04:00

The last time I updated my web site was in 2006, so to help in my job search, I wanted to maybe change the design, update the portfolio and make sure the phone number was right. (It isn't.)

So, I open up Dreamweaver CS4 this morning, try to download my existing site and I can't connect to my host. I don't know why.

I change my password. I check my ftp address. I make sure that the site is where it should be. (It is.)

But it won't talk to me.

Two hours later and I am at a loss. So, I have reached out to a friend for help. I'll let you know how it goes.

For those who want to see what it looks like now, go to www.davidterrenoire.com.

Is this thing on?

2011-03-17T10:35:00.003-04:00

One of the the scariest things about the Internet is that nothing ever goes away.

Including this blog.

That's just one of the many things I know that politicians don't seem to understand. Or maybe they just don't care.

But luddite politicos aside, I'm shedding some new light on this dark planet to document some of the things that have happened to your narrator and his family since we last convened. For a lot of you, this will be old news from Facebook. But for the rest of you who care (yes, both of you), here's a rundown beginning from last October.

1. Things at work heat up. Carlos and I are tasked with creating a 12 minute documentary, shooting and editing as we go, for a show in November.

2. Molly and her fiance, Mark, move to Nashville, where Mark has a better job selling shoes than he had here. Hard to imagine, but it's true. Molly gives up her first employment in two years, a job she enjoys and is doing well, to be with the man she loves. We wish the young folks well and plan to stuff the rent we'd been paying on their house into a retirement account because between supporting Jenny's mother and now supporting Molly and Mark, we've got nothing put away for ourselves.

3. Work gets more intense and 60 hour weeks become common.

4. Around the middle of November, Molly moves back home. It appears that Mark, who moved to Nashville with a job, can't understand why Molly hasn't landed employment in a few weeks. Because, hey, the economy is booming, right?

5. Thanksgiving. Carlos and I work on the documentary on the Friday after Thanksgiving. We are the only people in the building.

Shortly after that, Molly checks herself into the hospital.

6. On December 14th, my sister calls saying my mother is in the hospital. Should I come out to Oklahoma? Should I wait until Mom's back home? My sister says to wait.

7. With Christmas approaching, the family becomes almost paralyzed with waiting. Meanwhile, work ramps up to more nights and weekends.

8. Christmas. I have bought presents for Jenny and Molly. My presents are from my sister, sent before Mom went into the ICU.

9. My sister calls. Mom has been sent home. It is a matter of days. By the luck of the cosmos, I get a check for a freelance gig I'd done last summer that pays for our flight to Oklahoma. Molly and I arrive on Wednesday afternoon. Mom opens her eyes and smiles. Tears fill her eyes and she closes them. The next day she is gone.

10. I fly home. Work is intense. I raise my voice to an account executive who has rewritten one of my headlines. HR tells me to go home for a week. It's the week of my colonoscopy, so I go.

11. My health is deteriorating and no one knows why. Work is back with a vengeance. Our department is told that we're unreliable and uncollaborative. We go back to logging 70 hours a week while the other departments, those who are reliable and collaborative, go home at 5.

12. Last week, as I approach my 61st birthday, I am called into HR and fired. They mumble some reasons why, none very compelling, and after five years, I pack all my shit in a box.

13. Yesterday, we learn that Jenny is getting let go, too. Her co-workers believe she's losing a step or two, and we fear they're right. We are faced with the prospect of far too much money going out, and no money coming in. I begin looking for work.

And that's where we are today.

As the next few months unfold, I'll be using The Planet to document what it's like to be over 60 and looking for work in this job market.

Stay tuned. It should be fun.

My answer to John McCain.

2010-12-19T23:18:00.008-05:00

Below is a letter I sent to Senator McCain's office after his tantrum on the Senate floor.

Dear Senator McCain,

I watched your recent reaction to the repeal of DADT.

Let me assure you, I have served in the military. My brother and sister served in the military. My father and my uncle served in the military during WWII. My uncle was KIA on Iwo. I have his flag in my office.

My nephews and my niece are serving in the military. My brother-in-law is a graduate of the academy (64) and my wife's father was a young lieutenant in the 82nd, dropped into Normandy on June 6th. Her grandfather was a graduate of West Point and an aide to Omar Bradley.

We know what it's like to serve. We know what it's like to sacrifice.

And I am happy that the Senate stood up for the rights of individual Americans in repealing DADT.

As a former enlisted man and someone who had far fewer advantages than you, I found your comments about elitists versus real Americans unfortunate.

If an average Joe looked at you and me, I am not the one he would brand the elitist. A public high school in Pennsylvania and a degree from West Virginia University are hardly upper crust.

I respect and honor your service and I would have voted for you in 2000. It saddens me to see how bitter, and partisan, you've become.

I hope that you reclaim your legacy and continue to fight for nonpartisan progress.

Sincerely,

David Terrenoire
US Army 1969-1971

We live among heroes. A Veteran's Day tribute.

2010-11-11T22:09:00.003-05:00

On most Veterans Days, I write about people of a previous generation. There's my father's brother, a young Marine who never made it off Iwo Jima. Or Jenny's father, a lieutenant in the 82nd, dropped into Normandy on June 6th.

This year, I want to salute a new generation. This is Karin, Jenny's niece. She's a new recruit to the US Army. Last year she enlisted on the same day that her son, Little Jon, signed up.

She comes from a tradition of service. Her brother, Big Jon, is a blue steel warrior, a combat arms officer who it is my privilege to school at the pistol range every chance I get. Which isn't often enough.

Her older sister has served in the State Dept. for decades and her younger sister, Katherine, is studying to be a nurse.

Service to others. That's what Karin and her siblings represent and they carry on a family tradition that goes back to the Revolution. It's in their DNA and I am proud that they call me Uncle David.

So, on this Veteran's Day, I salute Karin, her sisters and her brother. Thanks, kids, for letting this old dogface be part of your family.

Truly dark days are upon us children.

2010-11-10T14:17:00.003-05:00

Now there's a shortage of peyote.

I think it's Glenn Beck's fault.

How else do you explain his show?

They should have hired a Mexican to take the test.

2010-11-09T13:01:00.007-05:00

Well, this certainly explains a lot about last week's election.

A conservative group in Oklahoma, and that means that they don't wear brown shirts to work, but would if they could, thought they would celebrate the Constitution by asking a bunch of Oklahoma high school students to answer questions that every immigrant has to answer to become a US citizen.

And how did the little Sooners do? Only 2.8% passed. Yeah. As the kids say, epic fail. Turns out that OK students aren't so OK after all.

But the questions must have been tough, right? I'll let you decide. Can you answer these ten questions?

1. What is the supreme law of the land?
2. What do we call the first 10 amendments to the Constitution?
3. What are the two parts of the U.S. Congress?
4. How many justices are on the Supreme Court?
5. Who wrote the Declaration of Independence?
6. What ocean is on the East Coast of the United States?
7. What are the two major political parties in the U.S.?
8. We elect a U.S. senator for how many years?
9. Who was the first president of the United States?
10. Who is in charge of the executive branch?

"It's depressing," said Brandon Dutcher, vice president of the group who funded this little lesson in despair. "If these survey results are any indication, we are very much a nation at risk."

These were high school students. High school. And only 23% could name Washington as the first president. Jesus Christ, kids, he's on the fucking dollar bill.

The only question that a majority of these kids could answer was number 6. Yes, a whopping 61% of them could identify that giant body of water to the east.

Oh, and how do the immigrants do on this test? 92.7% of them pass.

And we wonder why tea baggers can't spell.

A Tea Party Rant.

2010-11-04T09:50:00.003-04:00

So, the Democrats got their asses handed to them on Tuesday. I'm not happy about that, but I can't say I'm surprised.

At the risk of becoming that old man who claims that everything was better in the old days, because it wasn't, there is something significant that we've lost.

We used to have the courage to see beyond today. We used to believe that watching your neighbor suffer in hard times was like saying to him, "Your end of the boat is sinking."

We rebuilt our former enemies with the Marshall Plan, one of the most humane, smart, and foresighted government expenditures of tax money in this nation's history.

We educated an entire generation of men through the GI Bill, a spending of taxpayer money that came back to us seven-fold.

We financed the moon landings, Interstate highways and the Internet, all things that made us richer, smarter and more advanced than any nation in history.

We saw our grandparents in poverty and made Social Security a way for them to retire with some independence and dignity.

Today, our political zeitgeist is all about balancing the budget by cutting taxes and cutting spending. It resonates because it's simple and easy to put on a bumper sticker. But we know from experience that it doesn't work. Why? Because the problem is too complex to be solved by bumper sticker ideology.

The country I grew up in was one where every able-bodied male had an obligation to serve because, in my father's words, "that's the price you pay for living in a free country."

We used to be a place where people grudgingly paid taxes, in Ike's time up to 91%, because we all knew that better schools, a healthy workforce, and a sound infrastructure were the foundation of a strong economy.

When I was a kid, we heard people say, "no kid should go hungry in the richest nation on earth." We knew, without saying it, that one day those hungry kids would grow up to be angry adults. And besides, they were kids. It was the right thing to do.

We have, in the past 30 years, become a pinched and stingy society where people are scared that somewhere, someone is getting something for nothing. Higher education in California used to be free and the system was the envy of the world. Now, students graduate owing tens of thousands of dollars to bankers.

This is Republican progress, encouraged by people like the Tea Party movement, a political party that is part astroturf, funded by invisible billionaires like the Koch brothers and part willfully ignorant people who don't see that their Social Security checks and Medicare payments are the only things keeping them from a diet of ramen and dog food.

Seriously, I don't recognize my country any more. It's not the great nation it once was. I don't know whether I'm angry about this or just sad that our political engine has been hijacked by corporatist oligarchs who have duped enough people to keep them in power. Maybe it's both.

But I'm trying to let politics go. I'm trying to listen to more music, spend more time with my wife and friends, and most of all, turn off that fucking TV.

The tea partiers wanted to take their country back. Great. Here it is, ladies and gentlemen. Let's see what you do with the responsibility of governance.

But first, you might want to work harder on your spelling.

News of a literary sort.

2010-08-20T18:00:00.001-04:00

It looks like I'll be ghosting another novel again if my agent works out the details. That's good news. Not as good as finishing this novel of my own, but good.

A good reason to break my silence.

2010-03-19T10:01:00.002-04:00

On Monday I turned 60. This is my birthday present.

Thank you, Jenny, you are a wonder.

Persistence.

2010-01-25T10:46:00.003-05:00

A few weeks ago, one of my favorite blogs, Naked Authors, closed its doors so the writers could concentrate on what they should be doing, which is writing.

As a regular reader of that blog, I was sorry to see them go, but I understood. Time is tight. Focus is important if you're going to run the marathon of writing a novel. A good novel, anyway.

For 4 years I've put up a post nearly every day. I've enjoyed the hell out of this. I hope you have too.

But lately I've wondered if I shouldn't be putting this time and energy into my next book. It's almost finished and I think, with some serious attention, I could be done by early summer.

So I'm taking a break. It may be a long break. I hope not. I hope I'll be back in April or May with news that I've finished this book. Wish me luck.

I'll miss all of you. OK, most of you. And you can always drop me a line. I answer e-mails, even the ones from people who wish to punch me in the face.

Which is most of you.

Good luck and I'll be back.

Later.

PS. I wanted to end with one of my favorite pictures. To me, it is the spirit of the novelist. Persistence in action.

Can we just grow the fuck up?

2010-01-21T14:49:00.005-05:00

OK, so it's been two days now and the fucking Republic hasn't collapsed because Massachusetts elected a naked Republican to the Senate.

Sure, it means we'll probably never have health insurance reform meaning millions more people will go bankrupt and more insurance company CEOs will get rich and fucktwats like Joe Lieberman will get more wrinkly facetime on TV.

Yes, it probably means we'll never address the really hard issues like the deficit, infrastructure, debt or education.

We can probably kiss good-bye any hopes of actually regulating the banks or investing in real energy innovation or fixing any of the shit the previous 30 years of corrupt governance broke.

And we can look forward to more smug assholes like Sarah Palin prattling on about shit they neither believe nor understand.

But we won't die. Well, some of you will because of the health insurance thing.

And the world won't end. Well, maybe civilization will be drastically different once the climate blights our farms and moves the oceanfront to Phoenix.

And the USA won't collapse. Well, we might become a wholly-owned subsidiary of the People's Republic of China, but we won't collapse.

So grow a pair, Democrats, and learn how to twist some goddamn arms.

Jesus, sometimes I wonder why all the liberal pundits and party leaders just don't give up and put on a fucking skirt.

The Things We Carry.

2010-01-18T16:28:00.006-05:00

In my last post, I wrote about bad people doing bad things, either from the batshit crazy of Pat Robertson or the ratfuck dishonesty of the evil prick Limbaugh.

(And if you haven't read Ed Gorman's comment on Limbaugh's place in our great circle of life, we'll wait while you do. Goddam the man can write.)

I don't take any great pleasure in pointing out the moral failings of prominent people. OK, I do. But Robertson and Limbaugh, like all good villains, have convinced themselves that what they're doing is right.

Horrifying, I know, but it's the truth.

Today, I'm more concerned with, in the words of Elvis Costello, the damage that we do and never know. The unintentional fuck-ups you make unless you renounce society and live a hermit's existence in some God forsaken spot like Tulsa.

This past weekend, I was made aware that I hurt people I cared about and what's worse, I was oblivious.

The first came from 42 years ago.

Kingsley Amis famously said that having a male libido is like being "chained to an idiot." And Jesus, my idiot was strong.

I knew a girl in high school who was young and eager to be popular. She was at a party. My party and, as the host was an idiot, there was probably a lot of bad behavior. I honestly don't recall.

But this young girl was treated shabbily by one of the other idiots at the party. Not criminal, but stupid and inconsiderate. And the hurt and shame she felt that day in my house, at my party, has stuck with her for 4 decades. This past weekend she asked me about it, if I remembered that party and what had happened.

I'm ashamed to say I don't remember. I don't even recall having the party. But I was her host, and I cared for her, and I was too stupid to notice that she had been humiliated and hurt.

I apologized. She said it wasn't necessary but I disagree.

The second example of my personal jerkish behavior happened more recently and came from a friend I'd broken with last year. The break was unpleasant and unnecessary. In an e-mail, my friend catalogued all the ways I'd let him down and disappointed him. Some of it was justified. But most of his anger was caused by assumptions, slights and a massive amount of bad communication.

So, as I see how I can wander through people's lives like Godzilla wanders through downtown Tokyo, it reminds me to take the slights and cruelty of others with more patience and forgiveness.

Except for guys like Robertson and Limbaugh. Those guys are just evil fucks.

The bland face of Evil.

2010-01-14T12:57:00.006-05:00

Yesterday, in posting links to Haiti relief, I made a silly joke about God having a mean streak when everybody knows He's bipolar.

But Pat Robertson is not joking. This scion of wealth and privilege knows for sure, without any trace of doubt, that his kind and merciful God put out a hit on the poorest people in our hemisphere because 200 years ago, a few superstitious slaves supposedly made a deal with the devil.

Which Pat understands because that's how he got his TV show.

And people actually send this man money. This man who smuggles blood diamonds. This man who thinks women who want equal opportunities are practicing witchcraft. This man who believes that Christians in today's America face persecution "...more terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history."

Holy fuck. That's a lot of suffering.

But Pat, as seriously fucking deluded as he is, as twisted and perverse, as evil and cruel as he shows himself to be with every disaster, from 9/11 to Katrina and now to Haiti, is still holding the coat of the main toad in this loathsome display - Rush Limbaugh.

You know when Rush had chest pains over the holidays and the doctors said it wasn't a heart attack? That's because they couldn't find a heart.

I bring up these two awful people because I find that I'm still capable of being surprised by how despicable some people can be, and that's reassuring. Apparently, I'm not quite the cynic I sometimes think I am.

How to help.

2010-01-13T11:43:00.004-05:00

One of the most powerful earthquakes to hit anywhere, chose to shake loose the poorest nation in the western hemisphere proving God has a really big mean streak.

Thanks, Big Guy.

Here's what you can do:

If you need information about family members in Haiti, the State Department has set up this number to call - (888) 407-4747.

If you want to donate, here are just a few places working in Haiti:

The American Red Cross International Response Fund.

Unicef

Mercy Corps

Yele, set up by Wyclef Jean, a native Haitian.

And here are Six More Ways You Can Help.

MSNBC has a list, too.

Go. Give.

I can't see you!

2010-01-12T16:18:00.003-05:00

For some reason, the comments section below seems to be playing PeekaBoo. So if you don't see a spot in the previous post for your trenchant observations and keenly worded refutations, you know where you can stick your comment.

Right here. What'd you think I meant?

Fair and Unbalanced.

2010-01-12T13:40:00.011-05:00

“This was — this was an attack that didn’t succeed on the scale it was expected to but did succeed,” said Brit Hume on Fox News.

Really? The Underpants Bomber's attack succeeded in what, exactly? Giving you more faux outrage for a few news cycles?

Or maybe Brit Hume is secretly a member of al Qaeda.

No, I don't believe Brit has the stones to set his crotch on fire, not even for Jesus.

But the right certainly has its asbestos panties in a bunch. They're so skeert that a whole bunch of them have suffered from simultaneous brain damage that's erased great swaths of recent history from their crania.

Haley Barbour, former chairman of the RNC told Fox News that when it came to terrorist attacks, George W. Bush “...had a 100 percent perfect track record.”

Excuse me?

But the Mississippi Governor isn't alone. A whole chorus line of people on the right have stepped up to to demonstrate that GOP dishonesty isn't just a surface thing, but goes bone deep.

Here's Mr. Mayor, Rudy Giuliani: “...after September 11, not one time did the terrorists who are trying to kill us and end our way of life, not one time were they able to attack the mainland United States. We had no domestic attacks under Bush.”

Rudy, are you sure? Does anthrax ring a bell? What about the DC Sniper? Or maybe you've forgotten about Jim David Adkisson, the right wing terrorist who shot up a church in Tennessee because he hated Democrats, liberals, African Americans and homosexuals. Oh, I can see why you'd want to forget that.

Or maybe Rudy believed Dana Perino, former Bush press secretary, when she said, "...we did not have a terrorist attack on our country during President Bush’s term."

Huh. I seem to recall something in the Fall of 2001. What was that?

Then we have Mary Matalin, quite possibly the most casual dissembler on TV, saying, "...we inherited the most tragic attack on our own soil in our nation’s history. And President Bush dealt with it..."

Oh, yeah, he dealt with it. Just as soon as he changed his big boy pull-ups.

But see what she did there? 9/11 wasn't Bush's fault. He inherited it. Just like he got everything else in life.

Finally, we have this from Liz and Dick Cheney's new think tank, Keep America Safe.

Keep America Safe: "100 Hours" from Keep America Safe on Vimeo.

What they hope you won't remember is the Bush/Cheney response to the shoe bomber, six days later, that was no more than on offhand attaboy to the plane's crew.

So the Fruit of Kaboom! Bomber sets his nads aflame on Christmas day, a Friday, and Obama makes his statement the following Monday.

OMG! He waited a whole weekend! We're all going to die!

Except we're not.

Why would leaders and spokespeople for the Republican party say such demonstrably false things? Are they really that stupid?

Or do they think we're that stupid?

If you ever needed evidence of the answer before, you certainly have it now.

More unemployment news.

2010-01-11T13:10:00.002-05:00

A man with the readymade porn name of Jonah Falcon is out of work and living with his mom. But that's not what makes Jonah newsworthy.

The reason Jonah is in the news is because Jonah holds the record for being endowed with the world's biggest dick.

He, himself, is not the world's biggest dick. That honor is shared by Dick Cheney and his daughter, Liz.

But big dicks apparently won't get your resume to stand out. Or up.

I'll let you insert your own dick jokes. I have to get back to work before I lose my job, too.

If you're unemployed, any job looks good.

2010-01-08T13:26:00.008-05:00

Almost any job.

Some dismal employment numbers came in last week with the country shedding 85,000 more jobs. This makes the Reuters report on the best and worst jobs for 2010 almost beside the point. Even a crap job is better than no job at all.

If you haven't seen it, here's an abbreviated list of the best and worst:

Best Jobs in 2010:

1. Actuary - Yes, it pays well. No, there's no heaving lifting. Still, sitting at a desk all day juggling numbers would make my head explode. Best job? Not for me.

2. Software engineer - I'm glad they exist. I'm glad I'm not one of them.

3. Computer systems analyst - See above.

4. Biologist - What, besides teach biology, do they do?

5. Historian - Now you're talking. But the day after this report came out I heard a woman on NPR's business news say that for people with doctorates in history, this is a terrible job market. WTF?

Worst Jobs in 2010:

1. Roustabout - You work outside on an oil rig for very little money considering the risk. But you still get more chicks than an actuary.

2. Lumberjack - Same with this job. And did the History Channel ever make a TV show about software engineers? Nope.

3. Ironworker - Walking tall steel? Without a net? It may not pay what a meteorologist gets paid, but you don't need brass peaches to do the weather, either.

You know what I think? I think whoever came up with this list had the best job because they got paid for delivering pure bullshit. Firefighters, sailors and photojournalists on the Worst list? Those are great jobs compared to some of the scud work out there. Which tells me the people who put this list together have had a pretty cushy existence.

Being a firefighter has got to be better than working nights cleaning office buildings, working thr grill as a short order cook or driving spikes for the railroad. Trust me, I've done all three of those jobs and they all suck. The railroad gig paid pretty well, but it was hard goddamn work.

So, what's the worst job you've ever had? And if you could have your dream job, what would it be?

Another excuse to show attractive women.

2010-01-07T10:03:00.003-05:00

Here's a story from the Huffington Post that stinks like overripe fish.

According to this, a US Marine officer complained about the public state of undress of Australian women, bringing scorn and shame to centuries of USMC tradition.

Yes, I know officers in general can be a priggish lot. I had a colonel ask me why the men in the barracks drank so much. When I asked if he'd never imbibed just to get drunk he said no, he hadn't, leaving me temporarily speechless.

But I'm having a hard time believing any Marine would write this to the editor of the local Oz paper:

"It's about having standards, ladies," wrote an obvious charlatan claiming to be a Captain John Campbell. "What are standards? Well, it can begin by dressing in a manner that leaves something to the imagination, to say the least."

Australians, as you might imagine, had a few suggestions for Captain Campbell.

Lana Sandic, 19, said, "Most Territory girls would say put it where the sun doesn't shine."

Another Aussie wrote it off as "Another bloody American trying to educate the world" and suggested "Mate, look at your women in the US - Rosanne to Britney. At least we have a bar to raise."

Another wrote: "Leave your opinions in the USA. PS: You didn't vote for Bush by chance?"

Ouch.

But there is evidence that this is either a hoax or the letter writer, like our own commenter Anonymous Al, did not have the balls to use his real name.

The US consulate says they couldn't find a serving Marine with that name in Australia, and the paper confirmed they had been unable to contact Captain Campbell.

The paper, the Northern Territory News, has linked to an online portfolio of Australian girls called "Beautiful Territory" and requests your response. Do you side with Captain Campbell and the Taliban or do you take a more enlightened and libertarian view?

Take a look and let them know. After all, our national manhood, the reputation of the Corps, and good relations with an ally are at stake.

This isn't just your Constitutional right, gentlemen, it's your patriotic duty.

Ah, the 70's.

2010-01-06T09:36:00.006-05:00

Things were different. People were looser, more willing to let others find their own way to happiness instead of telling them, ala the asstastic Brit Hume, that their way was the only way.*

Naked Yoga was published in 1972 and I'm sure the book was snatched up by crabbed old men, their minds as narrow as their fifties tie but their libidos secretly and shamefully lusting after our loose-limbed, frizzy-haired young yoga-meister.

But I'm equally as certain that an earnest young woman also picked up the book and, alone in her small apartment, twisted her naked body into these shapes in hopes of achieving some low budget nirvana that would help her endure the hours of tedium in her office job at the plumbing supply company.

I know many of you aren't old enough to remember the 70's except as kids. Believe me, things were different. In certain circles, nudity was just part of being young and healthy. Sometimes it had to do with sex, but other times, like skinny-dipping, it was just a literal shedding of old, stifling constraints.

My how times have changed.

Today, we have yoga accessory sites complete with a Prana Papaya Cleanser for $36, Yoga sox for $15, a Yoga mat for $75 and a Meditation Kit, which comes with two cushions for your enlightened ass, for only $63, (normally $103). And don't forget your Yoga Fashions. Otherwise your enlightened ass might be naked and free.

And in 2010, that's just not acceptable.

*What do you want to bet that Brit Hume knows as much about Buddhism as my dogs know about physics?

Don't cry for me Bill O'Reilly.

2010-01-05T15:19:00.006-05:00

Sarah, the prettiest champion of the right after Sean Hannity, had her debut with Papa Bear on Fox News last November and it has been rerun for our entertainment.

O'Reilly, always a tough interviewer, pitched this hollow marshmallow at the Teabagger's Evita:

OREILLY: Do you believe that you are smart enough, incisive enough, intellectual enough to handle the most powerful job in the world?

PALIN: I believe that I am because I have common sense. And I have, I believe, the values that are reflective of so many other American values. And I believe that what Americans are seeking is not the elitism, the kind of a spinelessness that perhaps is made up for that with some kind of elite Ivy League education and a fact resume that's based on anything but hard work and private sector, free enterprise principles. Americans could be seeking something like that in positive change in their leadership. I'm not saying that has to be me.

Holy fuck. Can anyone diagram this sentence for me?

And I believe that what Americans are seeking is not the elitism, the kind of a spinelessness that perhaps is made up for that with some kind of elite Ivy League education and a fact resume that's based on anything but hard work and private sector, free enterprise principles.

Jesus, it's like someone plugged in a random word generator and let it run until something like a complete sentence popped out. I've known drunks who were more coherent.

And what, precisely are "values that are reflective of so many other American values." Huh?

Then there's this little slippage in the vocabulary department:

"My guttural instinct kind is kind of like a mama grizzly bear. You touching my cubs, you're touching my kids."

Really, who would prefer an educated president when we can have Sarah of Wasilla? She makes George W. Bush sound articulate.

I think I'm gonna hurl...

2010-01-05T13:44:00.003-05:00

...just like Daddy.

Now you know this kid's going to grow up to be a well-rounded citizen. From Chattanooga comes a Christmas story about a 4-year-old boy, beer in hand, wearing a dress, caught stealing presents from the neighbors.

Jesus, I have a reputation as a partier, especially in my salad days, but I never did anything on this kid's skill level.

But then, I had no role model. Not like little Hayden Wright.

His mother, April, told reporters that Hayden just "followed his father's footsteps."

"He wants to get in trouble," Mom said, "so he can go to jail because that's where his daddy is."

Aw. So it really is a family Christmas special after all.

Hayden made his getaway while Mom was asleep. He then broke into a neighbor's house and stole Christmas presents, including a girl's brown dress that Hayden was wearing when police cuffed him.

"Going to the neighbor's house and taking their presents, very embarrassing," said Obvious Mom.

A spokeman for Child Protective Services said that April will get to keep Hayden because, "Other than the dress, this shit happens all the time in Tennessee."

Read any good books lately?

2010-01-05T10:13:00.015-05:00

These are books that have stood out in the last year. OK, maybe not so much the last year as the last six months. I'm going by memory here, people and I'm old. So cut me some slack.

The top one is by my friend, Ray Banks. Ray's written a fine series with this as the final installment for Cal Innes. If you don't know Ray's work, pick up a copy. I found Sucker Punch (Donkey Punch in the UK) in my local independent and made sure to turn it face out. It's the least I can do for a pal.

I'm late to the Charlie Huston fan club, but goddamn this stuff is good. These are the first two novels in a 3 novel series featuring Hank Thompson, an alcholic ex-jock who takes care of a neighbor's cat and that, as Frost says, made all the difference.

I just started the third in the series, A Dangerous Man, today. I have other Huston novels in my TBR stack and they've just moved closer to the front of the line.

Here's another one who's been around for a while that I somehow missed until this year. This is David Fulmer's series that kicks ass for historical fiction. If you love American music, murder, corruption in high places and sporting girls, Mr. Fulmer will make you believe he lived the life. Great stuff.

There's only one other writer who I know who does historical fiction better. And that's Patrick O'Brian.

I'm working my way through his 20 book series, reading one or two a year, making them last until I read the final paragraph of the final novel on my deathbed. They're that good.

It also takes me longer to read one of O'Brian's novels because I sit with the Oxford Companion to Ships and the Sea so I can look up sailing terms I don't know, which is pretty much all of them. Yes, I do have a geek streak in me.

Lady spies of WWII. Part of my research, and still a great read. Did you know that Julia Child was a woman of the OSS? Indeed.

More research. One day I will finish researching this novel and actually write the goddamn thing.

The true story of 234 Marines holding off repeated attacks by two Chinese divisions in weather so cold the grease on their machine guns froze. Fuck.

Finally, the story of how we installed the Shah of Iran and sowed the seeds for the subsequent overthrow in 1979 and all the shit that followed. For much of the last half of the last century, America supported some very corrupt men in our effort to contain communism. 9/11 was part of the blowback.

I know there were plenty of other books I read in the early months of 2009 that I've forgotten here. But this isn't a bad list.

What did you read that's stuck with you?

Seen any good movies lately?

2010-01-04T12:39:00.020-05:00

I watch a lot of movies. I mean A LOT of movies. This weekend I decided to keep a list of every movie I saw from Friday morning to Sunday night.

That's every movie I've seen in the first few days of 2010.

Believe it or not, there were two we had planned to see that we didn't get to - Sherlock Holmes and the Fantastic Mr. Fox. We'll see at least one of those next weekend.

Up in the Air - George Clooney is amazing. Critics have rightfully praised this movie about a man who is detached from everything, including the ground. Jason Reitman directed and wrote, with Sheldon Turner, from a novel by Walter Kirn. Damn, this is great.

The Hangover - I don't think I want to know anyone who doesn't find this movie funny. I love Zach Galifianakis.

500 Days of Summer - I'm not a big fan of romantic comedies. This one was good. With Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Brick) and Zooey Deschanel, this had enough quirk and intelligence to make me happy.

Avatar 3D - I mention the 3D because I wouldn't have seen it otherwise. I hadn't seen a 3-D movie since the 50's and wanted to see how far the technology had come. Meh. It didn't put me to sleep, but the story is Dances With Wolves except this time the Indians win.

The CGI, with its cutting-edge motion capture, is supposed to be the biggest leap forward in filmmaking technology since Star Wars, but to me it just looked like animation. Good animation, but still. I liked Up better.

James Cameron is the socially-acceptable Michael Bay. He's the director you'd be OK taking home to mom.

It Might Get Loud - I love documentaries. I love the guitar. I love two out of the three guitar players in this love-letter to rock's iconic instrument. Great stuff.

How We Get By - This snuck up on me. It's a little film with huge heart. The filmmakers spend time with these three people who have dedicated themselves to being at the Bangor, Maine airport when troop planes come in or leave for Iraq and Afghanistan. If you don't choke up, you're not human.

Triad Election - A Hong Kong crime flick about choosing a new boss. Like Florida in 2000, things don't go well.

The Unforgiven - Yeah, I've seen it about 100 times already. What's your point? One of the best westerns ever made.

Right at Your Door - A small movie about terrorists blowing up a dirty bomb in downtown LA. Most of the film is shot inside a small, sealed in house, making much of it feel like it could have been a play. Not bad.

The Thin Man - Yeah, I've seen it about 100 times already. What's your point?

Red River - This was directed by Howard Hawks and like his contempoary, John Ford, Hawks shoots big men doing big things against a big sky. This is all about a river of beef being driven by men who haven't had a bath in a while. Joanne Dru, not a strong actress, is given no help by a truly dreadful romantic subplot with Montgomery Clift who probably wasn't much help in the sexual chemistry department, either.

John Wayne plays almost as much of a social misfit here as he is in Ford's masterpiece, The Searchers.

It's a Gift - Finally, late last night I watched W.C. Fields in one of my favorites. If Larry David of Curb Your Enthusiasm could trace his lineage, it would reach back to Fields who, throughout this movie, battles gamely with the world's women and children.

There it is, 12 movies in 2010. No wonder our house is such a wreck.

What about you? See anything good lately?

A Work In Progress.

2009-12-30T10:14:00.006-05:00

That's me. I am a WIP.

I started meditating earlier this year, and I think it's helped. I haven't written much about it because I don't have patience for people who wear their beliefs on their sleeves, especially if they're a novice like myself.

The way you get through this life is no one's business but your own.

In Monday's post I lamented, with my usual snark, that a few supposed Christians chose this season to be publicly unChristian, not realizing the irony in their behavior. It was, I hope, entertaining.

In the post I linked to a site called Applied Buddhism by the teacher J Sumitta Hudson. Mr. Hudson kindly responded with the following:

"There is always a bit of pleasure in indulging in negative emotion. It allows us to feel superior to others and exalt ourselves towards what we perceive as ignorance.

We cannot hope to uncondition these emotions by ignoring them. But we cannot indulge these emotions by validating them. See them and understand them, and navigate the waters mindfully.

Who is hurt by craving and clinging to negative emotions other than ourselves. How can we diminish the negative energy of others if we give credence and power to them, by responding in kind?"

In typical Buddhist fashion, the purpose of Mr. Hudson's comment is enigmatic. Was he agreeing with me, encouraging me, or admonishing me?

Or was it all three?

It all depends on how I choose to read it.

I'm not a big believer in New Year's resolutions. But this time of year we naturally look inward and find room for improvement. So, as we begin this, our 5th year (!?) here at The Planet, I don't know where this blog will go or what it is we'll talk about. I only hope it's worth your time and attention.

I am a Work in Progress. I know you are, too. Let us work together to make this a kinder, better place.

Happy New Year.

I asked my friend, painter and fellow blogster, GC Myers to choose one of his paintings that best illustrated this post. This is what he sent. I think it's perfect. Thanks for the loan, Gary.

How well do you remember 2009?

2009-12-29T15:55:00.003-05:00

Take this New Yorker quiz and find out.

I scored a 21 out of 29, a barely passing grade of around 72%. Surely you can do better than that.

A Reason to Sympathize with the Workers of the TSA.

2009-12-29T11:30:00.007-05:00

If you fly you've been annoyed, at least once, by a TSA worker at the airport.

I had a woman in Boston take my goddam toothpaste and roll her eyes while she did it. A TSA guy in Raleigh pulled my 80-year-old mother, in her wheelchair, out of line for a more intensive search.

No, Grandma couldn't get through our vigilant Homeland Security, but a Nigerian on the watch list named Umar Farouk Fucking Abdulmutallab could sail through with a bomb strapped to his junk.

Which leads me to the reason we should now feel some sympathy for the poor bastards who screen passengers. I just saw a report on CNN that said the full body imaging machines will be fine tuned in order to pick up "more detail in the groin area."

Jesus, I don't care how much your job sucks. Try spending all day, every day, looking at finely detailed images of Umar Farouk's pecker.

My hat (and my shoes) are off to you, TSA workers. I'll never try to smuggle a large tube of toothpaste past you again.

Christmas in the Corps.

2009-12-29T10:19:00.009-05:00

I think Full Metal Jacket is the only movie that got basic training right. At least the basic of my day, circa 1969. Here's a holiday favorite.

For civilians: Magic show = church service

I'm trying to be the shepherd.

2009-12-28T15:26:00.004-05:00

I spent all last week taking it easy. It was nice. The family had a good Christmas and there were only a few rough spots and I take the blame for those.

As I've spent the last few months...years...decades...hell, since the Nixon administration being angry, I'm trying to follow teacher J Sumitta Hudson's advice to practice happiness as a daily routine. I'm trying.

Then I see this.

Every Monday morning over at First Draft, Tommy wades into the Free Republic pool (it's quite shallow, so no diving) to see what sludge lies beneath the oily surface. Last week he found the Freepers celebrating the season in a truly Christian mood.

"If I see some Arab/Muslim-looking folks I go out of my way to wish them “MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!” A very small minority return the greeting (Catholics, I presume) but most just look at me with hostility. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"I tell everyone Merry Christmas. It makes the right people happy and pisses off the libtards and other assorted scum."

"I have been going out of my way to say Merry Christmas. Let the atheists, mooselimbs, and demoncraps burn in hell."

It's the spirit of the season among the victimized American class. Hostility, assorted scum, burn in in hell, (mooselimbs?).

Yep, it's Christmas in America, complete with rancor, unprovoked rudeness and manufactured strawmen to decorate the nativity.

If the Arab/Muslim-looking Wise Men showed up today these people would shoot them at the border.

On a healthier note, if I missed you last week, I hope you had a Merry Christmas, a Happy Holiday, a Joyous Solstice or whatever it is you celebrate. What you believe is no one's business but yours.

Now, let us practice happiness.

There, I feel better already.

Fat Bastard Blues Band

2009-12-19T09:11:00.005-05:00

A few pictures of the Fat Bastard Blues Band's show last Saturday.

The picture above is Tim Collins on lead guitar and Jason Simon on bass. Who you can't see is our amazing drummer, Gary Mitchell.

This is Carl Wetter, the front man of FBBB. Carl leads the bastards with enough energy to get people off their ass and onto the dance floor.

The man behind Carl is easily the least talented person in the band. Easily.

What I like about any picture of me playing harp is that half of my face is covered which is a blessing for all concerned.

Photos by Sarah Stockton Howell. Thanks, Sarah.

You can see more here.

A Christmas Cartoon

2009-12-19T08:55:00.003-05:00

This was to be our Christmas card this year but Kinko's really fucked up the printing. So this is what you would have received in the mail if we'd have mailed a card this year.

Next year I'll print them myself.

Why you and I don't stand a chance.

2009-12-17T13:13:00.004-05:00

The health care reform fiasco was everything we feared it would be.

A period of behavior foul enough to make a dung beetle turn away in disgust. From the uninformed teabaggers of the summer, to the dishonest posturing of Republicans. From the spinelessness of the Democrats to the noodle-armed lack of muscle from the White House. It was a morality play whose last act was the venal slouch towards Bethlehem that was Joe Lieberman making his way to the microphone with words as shamelessly untrue as his claim to decency and principle.

Health care reform is dead, keeping us the only industrialized nation that cares for the sick and injured based on what they can pay.

We will continue to pay twice as much for half the service. We will continue to create insurance millionaires by driving families into the street, bankrupting 2 million Americans every year, including 700,000 children.

Will this crippled, barely-breathing infant of compromise that's been pushed onto the stage fix any of this? No. It will only make the insurance companies richer and the rest of us poorer.

So I say kill the bill. Obama should take this feeble mutt out back and put a bullet in its head.

I know others disagree. Even my old friend, Dusty Rhoades says:

"Do I want any health care reform AT ALL killed because I don't get everything I want in this bill? No. I realize that politics is the art of the possible. If you can't get everything you want, you get everything you can get, and regroup to fight another day."

I say, move on to things we can change. We've wasted enough time on this rigged game. The corporations, with all the rights of people and none of the responsibilities, own the dice. We were suckers to believe otherwise.

But I do agree with Dusty about one thing. I'm sick of following these ugly actors in this ill-scripted bit of rancid dinner theater.

Aside from a few Christmas cartoons and other hopefully funny posts, I'm taking the rest of the year off. Maybe if I ignore people like Glenn Beck and Joe Lieberman they will cease to exist, at least for a little while.

I'm ashamed I voted for this asshole, part 2.

2009-12-16T11:54:00.002-05:00

Well, Joe Lieberman's most important constituent, Joe Lieberman, is happy as a little girl today. He made sure you and I will never get any option for health care other than the insurance weasels who make it a company policy to skull fuck as many innocent people as they can.

Oh, and they also give Joe a buttwad of cash, which I'm sure has nothing to do with his opposition to reform.

With no public option and no Medicare buy-in for younger people, something Holy Joe was all for a few months ago, all the new health reform bill would do is deliver, by mandate, 30 million new suckers into the same insurance maw that chews up millions in order to fatten up the few.

Thanks, Joe. You are one heck of a guy. And if you were here now, I'd happily raise that Droopy Dawg voice of yours a few fucking octaves.

You can thank Joe, too, for ignoring the wishes of the majority of people in Connecticut and in America, by calling him at 202-224-4041. But good luck getting through. Joe's number seems to be very busy today.

Probably all those people calling to express their gratitude.

Photoshop Funnies

2009-12-14T14:00:00.003-05:00

I love Photoshop.

And I freely admit that I suck at Photoshop.

But I can do this.

It's that time of year.

2009-12-10T09:52:00.004-05:00

When right wing warriors go off in search of a war.

And surprisingly, they've discovered the War on Christmas.

Again.

So, what do the brave men and women of the GOP do? They write this resolution. This'll show those secular bastards who want to ban Santa, kick elves in the crotch and piss in everyone's eggnog.

I wish I was making this up, but here's their resolution:

Whereas Christmas is a national holiday celebrated on December 25; and Whereas the Framers intended that the First Amendment of the Constitution, in prohibiting the establishment of religion, would not prohibit any mention of
religion or reference to God in civic dialog: Now, therefore, be it

Resolved, That the House of Representatives—

(1) recognizes the importance of the symbols and traditions of Christmas;
(2) strongly disapproves of attempts to ban references to Christmas; and
(3) expresses support for the use of these symbols and traditions by those who celebrate Christmas.

Goddamn, that takes courage. It's enough to make a strong man weep.

This is John Boehner, House Minority Leader, getting all weepy over the defense of misteltoe and holly. And just 6 weekes ago, Weeping John said this about "symbolic" reolutions:

"These are your hard-earned tax dollars at work: with millions of Americans looking for jobs and the nation's unemployment rate nearing 10 percent, the U.S. House of Representatives today will take up a grand total of four non-controversial ... bills. Four. It's unacceptable for Congress to take it easy at a time when out-of-work families struggling to make ends meet are asking 'where are the jobs?"

But it's a war out there. So passing a resolution saying you're all for Christmas is breathtakingly brave. That is, if you don't count the fact that all those heathen soldiers on the other side are just stick figures stuffed with straw.

Go get 'em, GOP.

The day a stranger shot my youth in the ass.

2009-12-09T16:08:00.005-05:00

Twenty nine years ago, Jenny was pregnant and had gone to bed early. I stayed up, watching TV.

Then a man came on and said John Lennon had been shot and killed.

A month later I would be a father. My life would change forever, catapulted into responsible adulthood, ready or not.

But that night it felt like my youth, or what was left of it at age 30, was gunned down on that New York City sidewalk with John Lennon.

It's a sad anniversary.

The Selective Service System.

2009-12-08T13:35:00.004-05:00

The draft. I've been thinking a lot about the draft ever since we went into Iraq. If more sons and daughters had been called up, that war would have never happened. I guarantee it. Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver weren't about to let Beaver march off to war in Iraq, not without a good reason.

Ah, who am I kidding? The same people drafted in my day would be the same people drafted today: the poor, the unconnected, the ones who think this nation is a communal experiment that calls on all of us to give something to our country.

I was in that last group and Jesus, were we morons. If only we'd waited until the Ayn Rand school of take-all-you-can-get-and-fuck-everyone-else zeitgeist had become the popular currency, then we wouldn't have been duped by the call to be our brother's keeper.

Today, it's easy for Americans to support a foreign war. So few of them know anyone in it. Hell, Americans don't even want to skip a day at Walmart to to fund the war.

A war tax? That's so Great Generation-y. Today we're hip, we're modern. We agree with Milton Friedman who taught us that the Kennedy "what you can do for your country" stuff was wrong-headed piffle, hardly befitting a free nation.

Why pay taxes for things we don't use, like clinics? Why fund a war we can easily ignore? And serve? Please. Call us when it's time for the victory party.

Yesterday, Bob Herbert of the NYT wrote a great column on this. In it he says:

"The idea that fewer than 1 percent of Americans are being called on to fight in Afghanistan and Iraq and that we’re sending them into combat again and again and again — for three tours, four tours, five tours, six tours — is obscene. All decent people should object."

Oh, Bob, that's so quaint. Why should any American get off his larger-than-ever ass to protest sending volunteers he doesn't know off to fight a war in a place he can't find on a map?

A draft. That would suggest we're all in this together. When everyone knows that it's every man for himself.

May I suggest something in a 9mm.

2009-12-01T12:46:00.009-05:00

According to this article, the rich white guys of Goldman Sachs, the guys who took our money, paid themselves bonuses that would make an oil sheik blush, then shoved ahead of pregnant women to get the swine flu vaccine are wondering if "Eat the Rich" may be less of a slogan and more of a dining recommendation.

For the first time, they've raised their snouts from the trough long enough to recognize that they've got a little PR problem.

As the article reports, "...senior Goldman people have loaded up on firearms and are now equipped to defend themselves if there is a populist uprising against the bank."

The self-titled Masters of the Universe are getting shaky. And that's bound to throw off their aim.

Even Lloyd Blankfein, the one who claimed Goldman Sachs was doing God's work, has walked back his claims of partnership with the Almighty. He confessed, while trying on a new pair of Asian baby slippers, that he had participated in some things that were "clearly wrong."

He then unhinged his jaw and swallowed a kitten.

I'm kind of relieved to see that the people of Goldman Sachs are scared. It shows they have some sense, after all.

Post-Thanksgiving report.

2009-11-30T10:35:00.005-05:00

Welcome back. We'll try not to let the Planet drift off course again, but given your editor's unstable nature, no promises.

Things I'm thankful for. Yes, I know a lot of bloggers made their list last week, but I don't believe in rushing into things until I get all the facts. This holiday went off without anyone getting seriously injured. Except Molly, who twisted her ankle and needed x-rays. She's on pain killers and crutches, a potentially lethal combination if you ask me. But I'm not the doctor, am I.

Most of the family rolled in Thursday. These are Jenny's nieces and nephews and now the grand-nieces and nephews. Her sister's kids are an amazing bunch, all in service of one sort or another. A mother and son recently completed Basic Training. I can't imagine many families can say that. One of the family works for the State Dept. Another is in nursing school. Their brother, Jon, a man who has earned every salute he gets, couldn't make it this year and we hope he can join us next year. We miss him.

One of the high points of a great weekend was what happened Thursday night just shy of 9:30. My brother-in-law, a pilot and avid fan of the night sky, knew precisely what time this spectacular show would start so, at the appointed time, the family stood out on his front lawn and watched as the space shuttle and the the space station crossed the sky, 220 miles above our upturned, awestruck faces.

Two bright stars, one chasing the other at 17,000 MPH, crossed high over the horizon like a celestial car chase. Then, nearly two-thirds across the sky, they winked out, first the shuttle Atlantis and then close on its heels, the space station. They just disappeared, ducking the sun's spotlight by hiding in the earth's shadow.

Wow.

That photo up there is by Hal Yeager of the Birmingham News. It's the closest picture I could find of the event. No slam on Mr. Yeager, but it doesn't do it justice.

A great moment of a very good weekend. I hope your holiday was as good.

Happy Thanksgiving.

2009-11-25T15:13:00.001-05:00

I'll be back next week. I needed the break. Thanks for your patience and your encouraging e-mails.

Particularly Jill's.

You guys are the best.

It's a good thing we don't have Canada's health care system.

2009-11-11T13:25:00.003-05:00

Because then we might have a shortage of H1N1 vaccine.

Oh, wait.

OK, sure, we have people who can't get the vaccine here too, but at least we're not evil like Canada.

Know who jumps to the front of the line in the Great White North? Pregnant women? Children? Geezers?

Nope. Hockey players. That's right. Hockey players got their shots before any of those other, non-hockey people who clutter up Canada's socialist clinics.

And that would never happen here. Here, the vaccine goes to the people who need it most. Like Wall Street bankers.

Meanwhile, someone was fired for giving the hockey players preference, proving that our health care system is nothing like Canada's. Because nothing like that would ever happen here. That's called accountability and it's right up there with socialism as a nonstarter.

On a side note, Happy Veteran's Day to everyone who stood up, raised your right hand and served your nation. I'm honored to be in such distinguished company.

And to all the chickenhawks who let another mother's child take your place in line, go fuck yourself. I'm looking at you, Mr. Cheney. I'm looking at you.

You forget how young they are.

2009-11-04T14:06:00.005-05:00

This is from a terrific piece on the Denver Post blog. It's called, Ian Fisher, American Soldier. It follows Fisher from his enlistment, through his first deployment and home.

Click on the picture for a better view.

Goddamn, now look at those faces. If these kids had shown up on my doorstep last Saturday, I would have given them candy.

Kids. We send kids to war. It's obscene.

Credit to Kevin P. for sending me to this site.

Scout update.

2009-11-04T13:57:00.002-05:00

This is Molly and Scout. Molly had a hard time, at first, seeing beyond Scout's uncivilized enthusiasm to her core doggie charm. But I think she's warming up.

I took this with my iPhone, a piece of technology that amazes me daily, from the Star Walk app that tells me what I'm looking at in the night sky, to Le Petit Dummy which is too strange to explain.

Which brings me to the Twitter feed, "Shit My Dad Says." The most recent:

"Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."

Check it out.

This is brilliant.

2009-11-03T12:08:00.002-05:00

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Bend It Like Beck

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

Religion

If you haven't seen Stephen Colbert compare himself to Glenn Beck, watch this.

I've admired Colbert for a long time, but this really is in a category of its own.

Sarah Palin's editor sends her notes.

2009-11-03T09:55:00.004-05:00

Carl Hiaasen in his latest column unveils "Confidential response of Sarah Palin's book editor to the first draft of her upcoming memoir, Going Rogue."

A few of the notes:

Tony Blair was the prime minister of Great Britain. Tony Orlando is an American pop singer. (See manuscript page 341).

"Mexican'' is not a language. (See manuscript page 188).

The details of your high-school basketball career are inspirational, but would it be possible to condense that section from three chapters to one? Just a thought.

Ironically, as I walked into the offfice this morning, someone had Fox News (The News Channel That Isn't) on in the break room and the upcoming story was "Why today could be a big victory for Palin."

So Carl is not only funny, but timely.

But Palin is hard to parody. That's why Tina Fey just had to quote her to be funny. Here's my favorite response from last year's Couric interview. This was her answer when Couric asked if she could name any other Supreme Court rulings, aside from Roe V. Wade, that Palin thought were wrong:

"Well, let's see. There's ― of course in the great history of America there have been rulings that there's never going to be absolute consensus by every American, and there are those issues, again, like Roe v. Wade, where I believe are best held on a state level and addressed there. So, you know, going through
the history of America, there would be others but..."

You know, a dim 12th grader could come up with Dred Scott or Plessy v. Ferguson, but what I find amazing is that Sarah couldn't even think of the Supreme Court decision that sided with Exxon against Alaska in 2007.

But why should Palin remember that verdict? She was only the fucking governor.

Jesus. How can you parody a parody?

Thanks to Adrostos over at First Draft for the heads up.

Believe it or not, right wingers are apoplectic

2009-11-02T13:35:00.006-05:00

over this photo.

Aw, what the hell, right-wingers are apoplectic over Daylight Savings Time.

Someone, years ago, described the Conservative movement as unable to take yes for an answer. You could lift up the country, transport it whole back to that mystical golden era when everything was right with America (pay no attention to that 91% tax rate) and they would still find reasons to bitch.

As it is here. Just last week I heard some cable news ass complain that Obama was still denying news photography of the coffins returning to Dover. Which, of course, wasn't true.

Then, when he saluted, it was like he'd pissed on the incoming caskets. Limbaugh, who only salutes himself, dismissed it as a "photo-op."

Ho-hum. No big news there. But then I saw this piece by Carey Winfrey in the Times, and it summed up just how I felt about presidential salutes, including Obama's.

"...whenever I saw a president stepping off a helicopter and bringing hand to brow, my drill instructor’s unambiguous words came back to me with much of their original force."

I didn't know how this tradition started, and I was surprised to learn that it was as recent as Reagan. He looks damn good doing it, too.

Winfrey writes:

"Ronald Reagan was thought to be the first, in 1981. He had sought advice on the matter from Gen. Robert Barrow, commandant of the Marine Corps...General Barrow told the president that as commander in chief he could salute anybody he wished."

So, as much as I agree with the idea that our CINC can salute anyone, I'm still a little uncomfortable putting it into the hands of certain people. I won't name names.

We could go back to Nixon's salute, which turned out to be a big "fuck you" to America.

Or we could recognize that the salute, in the right hands, is a heart-felt show of respect.

I'll keep the latter. Thank you.

Acceptable costumes.

2009-10-30T16:24:00.005-04:00

I like that costume. And it would be perfectly acceptable in public schools today. If our lovely Miss Wonderland were wielding a plastic axe, she would not be.

Pity.

According to the Times, public schools across the land have cracked down on inappropriate costumes. And what's inappropriate? All the cool stuff. Homicidal maniacs, vampires, zombies and my favorite, costumes that make fun of a race or ethnicity. Killjoys.

What do they suggest instead? Historical figures and "delicious food items." I'm not kidding. You can't shamble through the halls as the undead, but you can come as Torquemada. Or maybe a Kiwi.

A memo from one principal said that costumes can't be scary and people, even those dressed up as fruit, must wear shoes. When was the last time you saw a grape wearing shoes?

No mention of whether Alice would have to have underwear beneath that frilly skirt. Kids have to have some fun.

Happy Halloween, kids! Dress appropriately. See you Monday.

Stop! Stop! You're Killing Me!

2009-10-28T13:56:00.004-04:00

I click over to Salon during lunch and see an article headlined "Obama is Average," followed by this description:

In an interview, a leading voice of America's conservative intellectuals discusses Barack Obama's failures.

And the guy Salon's editors are describing as "a leading voice of America's conservative intellectuals" is...

CHARLES KRAUTHAMMER!

God damn, I nearly fell out of my chair. Charles Krauthammer. Really. The crazy psychiatrist turned crazier neocon. Salon considers him an intellectual.

Jesus, guys, have you read his column?

Charles Fucking Krauthammer. Intellectual.

Thanks. I needed a good laugh.

And to think I voted for this asshole.

2009-10-28T10:22:00.002-04:00

Once. And that was 9 years ago.

Still, to think that I voted for him to be VP of the freakin' United States makes me want to stick a hot fork in my eye.

Holy Joe is siding with the Republicans, again. He's going to filibuster the public option in health care reform. The fucker.

I'm certain the $3.5 million he's been paid by the health and insurance industries hasn't influenced his decision.

You can read more here.

What, again?

2009-10-27T11:15:00.007-04:00

I usually had to wait two or three days, even during the Bush administration, before Republicans showed their ass. Wow, not any more. It's almost like the right wing of the GOP is streaming stupidity around the clock.

Yesterday, Rush Limbaugh reported on Obama's senior thesis, leaked to Time's Joe Klein, saying that the Constitution was flawed and didn't provide for economic freedom or the redistribution of wealth.

Except, it was a hoax, written by a self-proclaimed satirist. But that didn't stop El Rushbo from showing his ample ass. Watch this from Olbermann's show:

Yes, Rush Limbaugh has proven, once again, that Al Franken was right all along. Rush is a big fat idiot.

So, while Obama's fake senior thesis gets coverage on Rush's show, almost no one has mentioned this from Pat Buchanan.

Some of you may remember Pat's speech at the '92 Republican Convention. Michael Kinsley said at the time that he preferred the speech in its original German.

Pat has been caricatured for years like this, as an apologist for Hitler, or so I thought. Turns out, what Pat thinks about Hitler is far worse than I had imagined. Pat thinks Hitler was a dove and it was the allies who bullied us into WWII. This is from Pat's blog:

"... Because Hitler wanted to end the war in 1940, almost two years before the trains began to roll to the camps. "

That's right. Pat makes the assertion that if it hadn't been for Britain and the U.S. (for the record: Hitler declared war on us on December 12th, five days after Pearl Harbor) then those Jews would have never been sent to the camps.

The Holocaust is all our fault, see? That's Pat's position. There's more lunacy on his blog. Go read it yourself if you have the constitution for it.

And this guy is a regular on MSNBC, the liberal cable channel.

Holy fuck.

It's Tuesday. This is all I got.

2009-10-27T10:26:00.005-04:00

I walked into the barber shop just in time to hear a customer tell the barber, "...and you know how the government loves their anacronyms."

Anacronyms, I thought. What a great, if unintentional, mash-up. Acronyms whose original meanings have become outdated.

Like the GOP. The Republican Party may be Old, but it hasn't been Grand in years.

The IRS. You may feel like you've just been serviced, but I doubt if that was the original intent.

EPA. Under the last administration, it was more like the Environmental Politicization Agency.

DOD. Department of Defense. I preferred it when the DOD was the Department of War. Apparently, so did Dick Cheney.

ROI. Return on Investment. Last year we watched our Investment lose its way, and we doubt if it will ever Return.

MBA. Masters of Business Administration? Masters? After you fucking kidding me? Dude, you fucked up the entire world economy. Are you Masters of anything more complex than finding your ass with both hands? Really?

Feel free to add your own. I gotta go.

GOPer takes aim at governor, shoots self in foot.

2009-10-26T12:03:00.005-04:00

Jesus, what a wanker.

NC Senate minority leader Phil Berger thought he'd take advantage of the scheduled legislative news conference and do a little show biz buck and wing for the press.

The press assembles. Phil pushes out a wheelbarrow stocked to the gunwales with "Conservative Voters Surveys" that Phil sent out. Then he threatens to push the barrow all the way to the governor's office so she can see what conservatives are thinking.

Phil's pretty pleased with himself.

Then people in the governor's office do something Phil hadn't. They read the surveys.

I used to be on every right-wing mailing list who'd have me. I figured that if Pat Robertson or Jesse Helms spent a dime sending shit to me, that's a dime they couldn't spend encouraging the rabble. So, I've seen these surveys. They're full of questions like:

"Do you support the Democrat Party's gay agenda and legislation that would make sodomy with puppies mandatory in public schools?"

Then they hit you up for money.

Phil Berger's survey was the same critter. Below are a few questions from the survey that I'm not making up:

"Do you oppose Bev Perdue and the Democrats' plan to pass a job-killing $1.6 billion dollar tax increase in the middle of a recession?"

"Do you think death panels made up of government bureaucrats should decide if your loved ones live or die?"

"Do you support sending the North Carolina National Guard to help secure our southern border?"

And, of course, the correct answer is, anything to keep those South Carolina Republicans off our Appalachian trail.

Berger got some cash, including a $50 check he missed among the surveys. Idiot.

But what I loved, and what Phil also didn't see, were responses from conservative voters like these:

"I am embarrassed to be associated with this organization. Your tactics are disgusting and you're going to lose a generation of voters."

"Stop wording questions so geared up to get the answers you want and start wording them to actually find out the people's opinion, not just confirm your own. There are probably only three questions on here that are legitimate."

"Not sending you any more money."

That last one's going to leave a mark.

When the News and Observer wrote about this story last week, the director of the N.C. Republican Senate Committee grumbled something about how both parties need to pay attention to surveys. He didn't point out that only one party actually reads them.

Today's North Carolina GOP leadership - Stupid, mean and apparently, illiterate.

More books take flight.

2009-10-26T09:59:00.005-04:00

This is Melanie. She works at our local post office. She is stamping customs forms.

Stamp, Melanie, Stamp.

The forms go on boxes of children's books. The books go to soldiers in Iraq.

Those soldiers will read the stories to their boys and girls back home. The boys and girls will hear their moms and dads reading the books. They will see their moms and dads reading the books. The boys and girls will get the books so they can read the stories, too.

Yes, this Saturday I sent out another 200 or so books to the 47th Combat Support Hospital in Al Asad, Iraq. I still have about 8 more boxes to go and will send those out this Saturday.

Thanks to Rene Martin and the customers of Quail Ridge Books in Raleigh for their kind donations and thanks to the people here at MicroMass who have helped pay to ship these books to Iraq.

If you would like to help, drop me a line at davidterrenoire@hotmail.com. I'll send you the address. Send one book or one hundred, whatever you can do.

Help a kid connect with mom or dad. It'll make you feel good all day.

Remembering Calley.

2009-10-23T15:06:00.006-04:00

This past August William Calley said, for the first time, that he was sorry for what he did 40 years ago in Vietnam.

Gee, Bill, that's swell.

Ever since he made his public mea culpa, I haven't been able to get him out of my head. For those of you too young to remember the crimes of William Calley, he was convicted of murdering 22 civilians in the village of My Lai, but surely guilty of many more than that.

A whitewash involving Colin Powell, then a 31-year-old Major, followed. In late 1969, the great Seymour Hersh broke the story of the massacre.

Calley was court-martialed in 1970 and sentenced to life in prison. Nixon reduced his sentence to 3 years house arrest. I remember how I felt at the time. I was sleeping in the mud. Calley was sleeping in a nice warm bed, in a nice apartment with regular visits from his girlfriend.

That pissed me off, just a little bit.

America was divided about the war, with Republicans like young Dick Cheney, who opted not to serve, cheering it on. That support and Nixon's action was the start of my lifelong disgust with the hypocrisy and sham patriotism of the GOP.

Nixon's move was popular, as he knew it would be. In a Gallup poll taken in 1971, 79% of Americans said that Calley's sentence of life was too harsh. I'll let you make up your own mind. This is from Dennis Conti's testimony at Calley's trial:

"...Calley and Meadlo got on line and fired directly into the people...Lots of heads was shot off, pieces of heads and pieces of flesh flew off the sides and arms. They were all messed up. Meadlo fired a little bit and broke down. He was crying. He said he couldn't do any more. He couldn't kill any more people...At that time there was only a few kids still alive. Lieutenant Calley killed them one-by-one. "

And this, from prosecutor Aubrey Daniel's summation:

"We told you that they then moved to an irrigation ditch on the eastern side of the village of My Lai, and there, the accused, along with members of his platoon did as the accused directed, gathered up more people, this time unarmed men, women, children, and babies, and put them in that irrigation ditch and shot them, and that he (indicating defendant) participated; and he caused their death and that they died."

[snip]

"Shortly thereafter, the accused heard someone yell, 'A child is getting away!' He ran back to that area, picked the child up, approximately two years old, threw the child in the ditch, shot, and killed him."

Yeah, 3 years confined to an apartment. That's justice. So, as sorry as William Calley is today, and the demons he must have lived with for the past 40 years, I'm having a hard time ginning up any sympathy. Fuck him and his apology. He cast dishonor on all of us in uniform.

I don't want to end the week on such a down note, so I'll give a salute to three men who were in My Lai that day, three men who did not get an Esquire cover or Nixon's love. They were a helicopter crew who acted with more honor than the president, and in those dark days of 1968, we could have used a few more men in white hats.

It wasn't until 30 years later that the Army recognized their valor. This is from the NPR story about Hugh Thompson's death in 2006:

Early in the morning of March 16, 1968, helicopter pilot Hugh Thompson, door-gunner Lawrence Colburn and crew chief Glenn Andreotta came upon U.S. ground troops killing Vietnamese civilians in and around the village of My Lai.

They landed the helicopter in the line of fire between American troops and fleeing Vietnamese civilians and pointed their own guns at the U.S. soldiers to prevent more killings.

In 1998, the Army honored the three men with the prestigious Soldier's Medal, the highest award for bravery not involving conflict with an enemy. It was a posthumous award for Andreotta, who had been killed in battle three weeks after My Lai.

"It was the ability to do the right thing even at the risk of their personal safety that guided these soldiers to do what they did," Army Maj. Gen. Michael Ackerman said at the 1998 ceremony. The three "set the standard for all soldiers to follow."

Thirty years seems a little late, especially for Andreotta, but better late than not at all. Here's Thompson and Colburn in My Lai in 1998. Happier times. God bless them.

On a side note, the Esquire cover was the work of the legendary ad man/art director, George Lois. I usually admire his dark sensibility, but that cover's a bit much, even for me.

Why I'm a Nazi.

2009-10-22T11:42:00.006-04:00

That's right. I've taken the big goose step. I've become a Nazi.

A fish-Nazi.

My new diet relies on my eating more fish. So I want to do the right thing by our delicious little sea critters and eat only those fish who are happily procreating enough to be sustainable.

So, I went to Monterey Bay Aquarium Seafood Watch to learn which fish I should eat and which I shouldn't.

Apparently, Chilean Sea Bass and Swordfish are too delicious for their own good.

Armed with this knowledge, I now know to ask my local fish vendor questions like where the fish is from, how it was caught and did it leave behind any children in salty, tearful mourning?

And what do I do with this new information? Like any reformed sinner, I become a scold. This morning I looked for fish recipes and found a site that not only encourages people to eat swordfish, but actually insults the fish by calling it "snappy."

I left a comment. I asked if they would soon be posting recipes for baby seal. I told them to hang their nets in shame. I told their readers not to buy swordfish.

So I can't deny it. I've become a Nazi. A fish Nazi.

I encourage you to do the same.

Vic Mizzy joins the choir invisible.

2009-10-20T16:46:00.005-04:00

Vic Mizzy, whose lyrics swirled around my adolescent, TV-soaked cranium, has died. He was 93.

Good theme songs, like good jingles, stick with you. Right now I can sing most of the Green Acres theme and I haven't heard those lyrics in decades.

As for The Addams Family, I've always been amused by the word "ooky" he slid into the lyrics. Ooky? Yeah, ooky. It was the Sixties. And those fingersnaps are irresistable.

Vic was quoted as saying those two snaps bought his house in Bel Air.

Not a bad life.

Adios, Vic.

Mr. Banks shows up in my local book store.

2009-10-19T12:09:00.002-04:00

I was checking out the new titles at The Regulator, an independent here in Durham, and I see Sucker Punch by loyal Planetary reader, Ray Banks.

I've been a fan of Ray's work for years, from the first short story I'd read, Philly's Last Dance (if I recall the title correctly.)

As is my custom with writers I know and admire, I turned his book face out on the shelf so others could more easily discover his amazing talent.

On a related note, another friend, Jim Born, won the Barry Award for best short story at Bouchercon this past weekend. Congratulations, Jim.

When I discover Jim's books in a book store, I hide them to protect the reading public.

Glenn Beck is right about one thing:

2009-10-16T13:41:00.010-04:00

I don't want to watch his show.

This is from the Huffington Post. It's a clip of Mr. Beck going all weepy, this time for an American past as sentimental as an old Kodak comercial, as sweet as a shared Coca-Cola and as fraudulent as Mr. Beck's concern.

Mr. Beck wants to return us to a simpler, whiter America. Back in a misty time when women didn't question their men, blacks knew their place, and everybody went to church and prayed to the same white, Christian God.

A time when America liked Ike and a man could enjoy a good kike joke at the restricted club bar.

A time when the upper income tax rate was 91%.

OK, maybe not that America. But an America that can be reached in Mr. Beck's faulty Wayback Machine.

Beck admits America was never perfect, but there was a time, he says, when "we used to be united on some basic things."

Really? What basic things? Like belief in the dignity of all people? Like loving your neighbor as you love yourself? Those basic things?

My question is, when the fuck was that?

Have a good weekend. We'll see you Monday.

This week's Medal of Dishonor.

2009-10-16T09:49:00.007-04:00

I AM HONORED TO DO THIS

So begins an e-mail forwarded to me last night by a friend wondering if it was true. Here's what the e-mail said:

"Did you know that the ACLU has filed a suit to have all military cross-shaped headstones removed and another suit to end prayer from the military completely. They're making great progress. The Navy Chaplains can no longer mention Jesus' name in prayer thanks to the wretched ACLU and our new administration.

I'm not breaking this one. If I get it a 1000 times, I'll forward it a 1000 times!

Let us pray... "

Factcheck gives the original author some advice:

"...if the author of this message is really a committed Christian, he or she might profit from a review of the biblical Commandment against bearing false witness. This message violates it repeatedly."

Amen brother.

You can read the thorough debunking Factcheck gives this electronic turd in the mail here.

But it's another reason to question why so many white, poorly-educated Christians are willing, even eager, to paint themselves as victims.

Years ago, someone said that conservatives are people who can't take yes for an answer. They are in a perpetual snit, angry over one imagined injustice after another.

I can see people passing this e-mail around as gospel. But someone had to start this bullshit. Someone had to write this evil piece of ordure. Someone had to know he was spreading lies. Or, as Factcheck points out, "bearing false witness."

This e-mail was signed.

Cleo Adams
15 Devendorf Street, Apt. 1
Mohawk, NY 13407
email: hmoblues@yahoo.com

So I'm assuming Cleo started this e-mail. And I'm also assuming Cleo is a sad piece of work, sitting in a steaming doughpile of misplaced anger. That's why I sent him/her an e-mail last night with the link to Factcheck.

Funny, Cleo hasn't thanked me for my help.

It all started with a woman rubbing a lubed wand over my balls.

2009-10-13T13:29:00.003-04:00

Happy, happy, joy, joy

The Prince of all Mexicans|MySpace Videos

It lasted almost an hour and it was the least dignified thing I've done since I wrote that direct-to-DVD screenplay.

As with that experience, this picture didn't turn out so good either. So my doctor looked at the sonograms, gave the picture a thumbs down and set up an appointment with a specialist.

For the past two weeks, Jenny and I have lived with the future of my balls hanging over us.

(Oh, that doesn't sound right.)

I said, "I'll become a fat eunuch in a muu muu, sitting around the house bitching in soprano," which made Jenny laugh, always good medicine.

Today, I met with the urologist. Without going into any more disturbing detail than I already have, his diagnosis was that I'm not sick, I'm just old. Apparently, it happens to a lot of us chair-bound geezers.

His cure? Move to Bora Bora. It's this society that has caused my balls to lose their photogenicity. Who knew?

So today, gentle readers, I am as happy as an old man can be, which is damn happy indeed.

I feel like someone shot at me and missed.

Let's peek under this rock and see what we find.

2009-10-12T14:21:00.003-04:00

That guy up there is Ross Douthat, an editor at The Atlantic and a columnist at The New York Times. He took over for the Wrongest Man in America, Bill Kristol, a few months back.

Like Kristol, Douthat is a cultural conservative and also like Kristol, Sarah Palin makes him as giggly as a school girl.

But is he as much of an asshat as Kristol or his Times bedmate, David Brooks? I'll be honest, I've read his columns and he's failed to leave much of an impression except that he's a douche and not nearly as interesting, in a train-wreck kind of way, as Kristol was. He's much closer to the sophist dissembling of Brooks which is as boring as watching golf on TV.

So, I was intrigued when I saw this excerpt from Douthat's new book about his life at Harvard, Privilege:

"One successful foray ended on the guest bed of a high school friend's parents, with a girl who resembled a chunkier Reese Witherspoon drunkenly masticating my neck and cheeks. It had taken some time to reach this point--"Do most Harvard guys take so long to get what they want?" she had asked, pushing her tongue into my mouth. I wasn't sure what to say, but then I wasn't sure this was what I wanted. My throat was dry from too much vodka, and her breasts, spilling out of pink pajamas, threatened my ability to. I was supposed to be excited, but I was bored and somewhat disgusted with myself, with her, with the whole business... and then whatever residual enthusiasm I felt for the venture dissipated, with shocking speed, as she nibbled at my ear and whispered--'You know, I'm on the pill...'"

Bad, almost impenetrable writing aside, there's a whole lot of ick in that paragraph. Just the line, ...her breasts, spilling out of pink pajamas, threatened my ability to.

To what? Speak? Get it up? Come? Come out? What?

And the fact that she's being responsible and using birth control made him limp? What? Really? Would she have to be wearing a priest's frock before Ross could get the little bishop's attention?

Now, take another look at Ross' picture. My guess is that women who looked like Reese Witherspoon, even the chunky variety, did not often come onto our young Mr. Douthat. So what are we to make of this confessional paragraph? That Ross is a toad for describing this generous young woman in such a caddish fashion? That Ross was a virgin in college? That Ross suffered from a hair trigger and busted an egg in his jeans? That Ross doesn't swing that way but is too repressed by Catholic guilt to come out?

What?

Not long ago on another blog, a commenter trotted out the old canard about CNN standing for the Clinton News Network. I thought, Really? You still think that? Because not only was that never true, but that bit of moldy old wit is beginning to stink like Rush Limbaugh's cyst.

You know, every time I hear some jackass like this talk about the Liberal Media, I want to rub his nose in some Douthat or Kristol or Brooks. It's not because they're conservatives that I find them objectionable.

It's because they're dicks. And in Douthat's case, a limp dick at that.

You're not the boss of me.

2009-10-09T10:31:00.003-04:00

This is Rush Limbaugh throwing a tantrum because Kathleen Sebelius, the Secretary of HHS, said Americans should get a flu shot to protect them from the H1N1 virus.

You know, because people die from the flu.

But somehow Rush sees this as an assault on his freedom. Or his manhood. Or something.

And so he stomps his feet, shakes his tiny fists and says, "Screw you, Miss Sebelius."

Sigh.

How did we devolve from a people who fought a world war to this? When did it become politically OK for adults to act like spoiled children throwing tantrums in the produce aisle?

Is this really the face of American conservatism? This red-faced, shouting at all things not them?

What has happened to a movement that once boasted intellectual heavyweights like William F. Buckley? How has the leadership of the conservative movement passed from Barry Goldwater, a man who spent a lifetime serving his country with humor, honor and integrity to Rush Limbaugh, a man who bullied his maid into getting him drugs?

Why has the GOP, the party of my father and my grandfather, allowed itself to be taken over by this immature and amoral boil on the ass of the body politic? Where are the true conservatives today?

And why don't they demand their party back?

Who are these people?

2009-10-07T21:36:00.002-04:00

Sorry to go all Seinfeld on you, but really, who the fuck are these people?

Here's an elected representative of the good people of Texas, Louie Gohmert (I am not making that up), talking about sex with critters and who knows what all because this bald fuck is as crazy as a bagful of Bachmanns.

Goddamn. Here, in all its bald glory, is what's fucked up about democracy. People voted for this guy. It's not like you pass Louie by, him standing on a street corner yelling into a megaphone. Louie is in Congress. Your taxes, the money they take from your paycheck every week, the money you hope keeps libraries open and schoolchildren safe, no, those dollars go to keep this guy sufficiently medicated so that he can stand up in front of the CSPAN cameras without eating his fucking tie.

Holy shit.

Sex with animals? Is there a sheep who feels safe in his district tonight?

Despair, children, despair.

Fun Fact for Monday

2009-10-05T16:27:00.004-04:00

Did you know that in Minnesota it's illegal for women to dress up in Santa suits?

No kidding.

What spurred a state legislator to sponsor that bill? What motivated other legislators to vote for it?

Politics is truly and deeply weird.

I stand corrected.

2009-09-30T14:53:00.002-04:00

Protect Insurance Companies PSA from Will Ferrell

Insurance company executives may be weasels, but they're weasels who deserve more than just a kick in the balls.

I'm open for suggestions.

A Modest Proposal:

2009-09-30T10:15:00.007-04:00

Well, it looks like even a middle-of-the-road public option in health insurance reform is dead, thanks to Democrats Max Baucus, Kent Conrad and Blanche Lincoln. Chairman Baucus said that he didn't think a public option would pass the Senate, which is why he voted against Schumer's amendment.

That's like saying, "No publisher will buy this novel, so I just won't send it out."

WTF.

So, I have a suggestion, one that will make sure the health insurance industry will regulate itself.

Every time an insurance company rescinds a person's coverage based on some bullshit pre-existing condition, like acne, that the person forgot to include on the application, that person gets to kick the insurance company CEO in the balls.

Every time an insurance company dumps a patient or raises her premiums because she gets sick, that person gets to kick the CEO in the balls.

Every time an insurance company puts the enrollment office in a 4th floor walk-up, guaranteeing only the healthiest people could sign up; every time an insurance company automatically denies payment to a physician's office as standard practice; every time an insurance company scams people with their co-pay, those insurance company CEOs get a swift kick to the jimmies.

And for every Democrat who votes so a few get rich at the expense of the many; Republicans who hold their party's interests ahead of their country's; and the mob of teabaggers and town howlers who couldn't tell a socialist from a flatulist, let alone explain the difference between our health care system and France's, I have something for them, too.

Just a suggestion.

Bullshit. It's what's for dinner.

2009-09-29T11:31:00.005-04:00

You know, waiting for this country to grow the fuck up is, in itself, getting old.

I don't mind a difference of opinion. As Mark Twain said, that's what makes horse races. But sweet Jesus, if you're going to feed me bullshit, at least make an effort, will ya?

Take this commercial. I've been in advertising a long time and one of the first lessons you learn is not to lie. You play up your client's good points and play down their bad, and if you go negative, you tell the truth because someone's going to check.

But that rule doesn't apply in politics.

The ad says that with a public option, there are no guarantees you'll keep your doctor, no guarantees there won't be longer waits, no guarantees you won't lose your current insurance, and no guarantees you won't get ass-raped by a bunch of Ayn Rand conservative fucks in $3000 suits.

Here's a big, fat news item for ya, buttwad - There are no guarantees from anyone. If you think your current health insurance company is making those guarantees, I know a guy who can make you a Nigerian millionaire.

But, to be fair, they're not targeting me with this ad. They're targeting the same angry white people who think Obama is a muslim and Rush Limbaugh has their best interests at heart - idiots, mouth-breathers and the recently institutionalized.

The commercial is paid for by Conservatives for Patients' Rights, a group of right wingers who care as much about patients' rights as Michael Vick cares about puppies.

Why do I think that? Well, let's take a look at the person behind CPR. His name is Rick Scott, the man who founded the for-profit hospital chain, Columbia/HCA. Rick made mega-millions off the sick and then bolted out the back door just before the feds busted in the front and charged Columbia/HCA with numerous counts of Medicare, Medicaid and military health care fraud.

That's right. Rick Scott's company stole millions from taxpayers, old people, sick people and the military. Columbia/HCA was eventually found guilty of 14 felony counts and forced to pay $1.7 billion in fines.

Now there's a fine, upstanding patriotic American company, founded by a fine, upstanding American patriot.

Rick Scott and his Republican fellators in Congress promise you that government run health care won't work and they're just the guys to prove it.

As an aside, Conservatives for Patients' Rights is being fronted by the same PR firm who brought you that steaming bowl of bullshit called the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.

May they burn in hell.

The GOP lights another exploding cigar.

2009-09-23T11:20:00.002-04:00

In a self-satisfied bit of political theater, the GOP pushed through a bill that defunded the community action group, ACORN.

This was after two brazen filmmakers caught ACORN employees on tape helping what they believed were a pimp and his prostitute evade the law, even to the point of claiming underage Salvadoran prostitutes as dependents on their taxes.

That's some ugly shit right there.

The Fox News crowd could hardly keep from wetting themselves (OK, Glenn Beck peed a little, but that's hardly news) as the liberal community action group, with close ties to Obama, was caught with its dick in a wringer.

The employees were fired, but the GOP wanted to squeeze ACORN so they drafted a bill defunding the group and pushed it through the House with the now expected, spineless Democratic support.

But the wonderful postscript of this story is here.

Alan Grayson (D-Fla.) asked the Project on Government Oversight (POGO) to go through its database and identify other government contractors who might not measure up to the GOP's high standards as written into this new law.

As Gomer would say, Surprise, Surprise!

The first corporations that popped up on this new, upright moral radar were Lockeed and Northrup, two of the biggest defense contractors in the USA.

But, let's not cheer the death of the military-industrial complex yet. After the bill passed, Jerry Nadler, a Democrat of New York, said that the measure appeared to be a "bill of attainder." That means, as I understand it, that the bill targets a specific company or organization and is, therefore, unConstitutional.

So the GOP (and their cowering enablers in the Democratic party) have shown once again how little they know, or care about, the Constitution.

And the delicious fallout is that, in their rush to punish ACORN, Republicans may have caught some of their biggest corporate contributors in the net as well.

There are going to be a few overzealous GOPers spanked by their corporate bosses in the next few days. Because it's one thing to target a community organization that helps poor folks.

It's another thing when contractors like Lockheed Martin are collateral damage.

Shit My Dad Says

2009-09-19T15:37:00.002-04:00

"You know, sometimes it's nice having you around. But now ain't one of those times. Now gimmie the remote we're not watching this bullshit."

From a Twitter account called shitmydadsays. This may be the first big star of Twitter.I don't Twitter. But this could change my mind.

Check it out.

Planeteers Rock.

2009-09-15T21:24:00.006-04:00

You really stepped up in the GI Book Drive. The 47th Combat Support Hospital in Iraq is getting your books now and they're overwhelmed by your thoughtfulness and generosity.

But there's always something more we can do.

My nephew, the Major Brett Sachse you've been sending books to, has a new project and he needs your help.

Brett got his hands on a video camera and he wants to record men and women reading books to their children back home.

Here's how he explained it:

"...I am going to set up a screen so that Soldiers, Seamen, Marines or Airman can come and read books to their kids. I will video tape them and they can send the DVD home so the kids can watch the deployed parent read them a bedtime story. I plan to try to have the book sent to the child, if we have enough. If you could make that happen, that would be GREAT."

Of course, I can't make that happen, but you could.

So, we need children's books. I know this is a little harder because you're either reading these books to your kids now, or you've passed along your child's books a long time ago.

But as with all things, the harder it is, the greater the reward.

Let me know if you need Brett's address again. And thanks. Really, you guys are terrific.

For your attention:

2009-09-15T09:53:00.004-04:00

I'm officially on vacation so I'll keep this short.

I've tried to wrap my brain around this mass of insanely angry white people and I read this over at First Draft:

These people are fans of something they call America, a long-running comedy/drama series in which cowboys fight bad guys while fucking prom queens and then feeling bad about it in church, all the while wearing a flag.

Beautiful.

If you haven't discovered the priceless political rants of First Draft, you're missing something.

Damn.

2009-09-14T10:04:00.001-04:00

From the New York Times:

Jim Carroll, the poet and punk rocker in the outlaw tradition of Rimbaud and Burroughs who chronicled his wild youth in “The Basketball Diaries,” died Friday at his home in Manhattan. He was 60.

Friday pups.

2009-09-11T11:35:00.002-04:00

I don't want to look at those two guys beneath us any more. I don't want to even think about Grover Norquist, the bastard.

And I don't want to write about this anniversary because it only makes me sad and angry.

So, here are Scout and Duncan, both of whom are easier to look at than any politician I know.

Have a good weekend.

Bipartisanship is date rape.

2009-09-09T21:34:00.006-04:00

That quote comes from Grover Norquist, an overweight, dateless-on-prom-night Republican consultant.

As President Obama addressed Congress he was greeted warmly by Democrats and the Republicans sat, thumbs in ass, scowling as the Socialist usurper-in-chief talked about providing all of us affordable, fair coverage if we get sick.

Last time I looked, cancer took the right and the left, regardless.

Still, one congressman accused Obama of lying. He was South Carolina Republican Joe Wilson. When the president said that this health bill would not cover illegal immigrants, the good man from South Carolina ("too small to be a country, too big to be an insane asylum") shouted, "You lie!"

That's him up there with George W. Bush. I'll pause as you make your own lying bastard jokes.

Funny, but minutes after Joe Wilson called the president a liar, I can't get on Representative Wilson's website.

Let's hope it's Nigerian hackers.

Every objection I hear about health care reform begins with, "I know a guy..." It's always a guy from Canada who came down here because his wife couldn't get a hammer toe corrected before the weekend or some shit.

I know a guy.

I call this the "I know a guy defense."

Well, I know a guy. His name is TR Reid, the writer of " The Healing of America: A Global Quest for Better, Cheaper, and Fairer Health Care." He's been around the world, checking out other forms of health care. To get his take on things, listen to this interview with Fresh Air.

Granted, it's only one person's take, but he's been there and, most likely, you haven't.

But if you think we can't make our health care system better and fairer, don't listen. I'm sure Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh care more about your family's health.

After all, they're known for their empathy.

My head is exploding.

2009-09-09T19:31:00.002-04:00

These are galaxies, known by astronomer's as Stephan's Quintet or, much more prosaically, the Hickson Compact Group 92, proving that Hickson had nothing on Stephan, the fucker. This is among the first pictures taken by the Hubble telescope since astronauts went up there and gave it an upgrade to first class. To make your head explode, go here and hang onto your hat.

These are galaxies. Like our galaxy. If you look up in a very dark night and see that sweep of the Milky Way across the sky, that's our galaxy viewed from the outer buroughs where we live. Think Queens without the public transportation. Now imagine someone like us, at the outer edges of one of those galaxies, looking back at us from a few thousand light years away.

Is your head exploding yet?

Here's how the Times reports, in a calm and rational non-exploding manner, what we're seeing:

A clash among members of a famous galaxy quintet reveals an assortment of stars across a wide color range, from young, blue stars to aging, red stars. This photo of Stephan's Quintet, also known as Hickson Compact Group 92, was taken by the new Wide Field Camera 3. Stephan's Quintet, as the name implies, is a group of five galaxies. The name, however, is a bit of a misnomer. Studies have shown that group member NGC 7320, at upper left, is actually a foreground galaxy about seven times closer to Earth than the rest of the group. The image, taken in visible and infrared light, showcases the camera's broad wavelength range.

Uh huh, that pretty blue galaxy is seven times closer than the others which means that this camera has an awesome depth of field.

If the Hubble telescope isn't one of the greatest things we've ever sent into space then I'll eat one of Scarlett Johansson's underthings.

Damn. Really. Just go look.

Inglish is are langwudge. Lurn it!

2009-09-08T16:33:00.012-04:00

The intellectual heavy-weights of the GOP came out against Obama's speech today, even those who couldn't read it without moving their lips. And it's a good thing, too. Here's the text of the speech just dripping with scary socialism that will corrupt little Johnny Birch.

Here are some highlights of Obama's speech:

"I've talked about teachers' responsibility for inspiring students and pushing you to learn."

"I've talked about your parents' responsibility for making sure you stay on track, and you get your homework done, and don't spend every waking hour in front of the TV or with the Xbox."

"I've talked a lot about your government's responsibility for setting high standards, and supporting teachers and principals, and turning around schools that aren't working, where students aren't getting the opportunities that they deserve."

"But at the end of the day, we can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, the best schools in the world -- and none of it will make a difference, none of it will matter unless all of you fulfill your responsibilities, unless you show up to those schools, unless you pay attention to those teachers, unless you listen to your parents and grandparents and other adults and put in the hard work it takes to succeed. That's what I want to focus on today: the responsibility each of you has for your education."

God, what a bastard.

His Socialism skills are so strong that it's even softened the skulls of Laura Bush, Newt Gingrich and Bill Frist, all who said the speech was swell. Gingrich then lumbered off to plant a pod under Tom Coburn's desk.

First we had the teabaggers with a mouthful of historical ignorance. Then the town-hollers who wanted the government out of Medicare. Now we have people who are actually protesting the President of the United States talking about responsibility to the nation's students.

Really? That's what you've got?

After this summer, how can anyone take the Republicans seriously?

How the hell does this happen?

2009-09-08T09:22:00.012-04:00

Annie Liebovitz has created some of the most memorable images of my generation. There isn't a rock star, writer, celebrity or politician who she hasn't shot, and those she's missed wish she would return their calls.

I first saw her photographs in Rolling Stone back when that magazine (a pulpy newspaper in the beginning) actually wrote about music. Oh, and there was the off political piece by some guy named Hunter Thompson.

Since then, Ms. Liebovitz has been everywhere and shot everything in ways that her contemporary pop culture peers could only marvel at. How did she get John to pose naked against a fully-clother Yoko? What made her think of capturing Whoopi Goldberg in a tub full of milk, giving us this wonder negative space portrait?

How did she get such smart ladies to look so trampy?

Now we read that she might lose the rights to her thousands of images, some of them icons of her time. Like so many Americans, she's run up a debt she can't pay, only Annie's debt, like her photographs, is larger than life.

She owes some guys $24 million.

The Art Capital Group, a New York-based firm that loans money against collateral of fine art and property wants their money. Or her life's work.

A judge has given her until today to pay back the whole $24 million bucks.

Yikes.

In the small change department, she's also being sued by some Italian for $300 thousand.

How does this happen? How does a woman who changed the way famous people posed for portraits come up short $24 million dollars? WTF happened?

Just another example of artists being idiots about money.

On a completely unrelated note (or is it?) this is my 1000th post at the Planet. In a little over 3 1/2 years I've written about nothing more than what's caught my eye one thousand times. Damn. For those of you who have stuck with me, thank you. When I started I had no idea it would go this long. I've slowed down lately, because of the usual suspects, but I enjoy doing this so I'll continue. I hope you'll tag along.

Now get a life.

Can we finally put one in jail and tell the other to STFU?

2009-09-06T11:07:00.010-04:00

More evidence that the smug Cheneys are talking out of their ample bums in what I can only presume is a preemptive effort to derail prosecution of Mr. Cheney for war crimes.

Todays' column by Ali Soufan, a former FBI Special Agent, tells us that, according to newly released memos, one from 2004 , one from 2005, and a 2004 IG report tells us what we've always known - that both Cheneys are desperately spreading bullshit.

"The inspector general’s report distinguishes between intelligence gained from regular interrogation and from the harsher methods, which culminate in waterboarding. While the former produces useful intelligence, according to the report, the latter “is a more subjective process and not without concern.”

And far from making us safer, as the soulless supporters of torture contend, Mr. Soufan says,

"It is surprising, as the eighth anniversary of 9/11 approaches, that none of Al Qaeda’s top leadership is in our custody. One damaging consequence of the harsh interrogation program was that the expert interrogators whose skills were deemed unnecessary to the new methods were forced out."

Still Dick "Dick" Cheney goes on Fox News to be interviewed by a fawning Chris Wallace.

Andrew Sullivan compared the interview to "a teenage girl interviewing the Jonas Brothers," and gave us a few examples of Chris Wallace's hard-hitting questions:

"Republicans have made the charge before, do you think Democrats are soft on National Security?"

And this:

"So even these cases where they went beyond the specific legal authorization, you're OK with it?"

To which Cheney says yes. If he's ever on the witness stand at the Hague, he might want to reconsider that answer.

Sullivan points out two of his favorite moments. Here's mine:

WALLACE: Well, we want to thank you for talking with us and including in your private life putting up with an interview from the likes of me.

CHENEY: It's all right. I enjoy your show, Chris.

WALLACE: Thank you very much, and all the best sir.

I was surprised that Wallace could even ask questions with Mr. Cheney's member so far down his throat. But we're used to this Cheney-fellating from Fox News.

What's more galling is Liz Cheney's unchallenged defense of her father on CNN and MSNBC where she is a frequent guest. On those rare occasions when another guest has the effrontery to dispute her bullshit, her debate style, like so much of the rabid right these days, is limited to rudeness. She shouts, she interrupts and she tells bald-faced lies without a qualm.

All in the defense of her father's war crimes, crimes that not only did nothing to protect us but, in the opinion of men like Mr. Soufan, made us less safe than before.

Shameful.

For those who really want to understand what works and what doesn't work, or who want to know more about what's been done in your name, here are some helpful links:

Mark Bowden's The Dark Art of Interrogation, follow-up Lessons of Abu Ghraib,and The Ploy, a piece on how traditional interrogation methods helped locate and kill Zarqawi.

Finally, Stephen Budiansky's Truth Extraction, about a WWII Marine interrogator of Japanese POWs who concluded, "The successful interrogators all had one thing in common in the way they approached their subjects. They were nice to them."

Is there a plague of ergot poisoning in America?

2009-09-04T10:33:00.010-04:00

The last time we saw this level of lunacy was 1741 in New England. Then it was called The Great Awakening and thousands fell into hallucinatory fits. At the time they attributed this frenzy to religious conversion. Today, scientists are pretty sure the converts who were seeing visions had been poisoned by ergot, a psychoactive fungus that grows on grains and makes people crazy.

Which brings us to today's GOP. Just when we think we've seen maximum crazy, they step up and outdo themselves. This time Republicans are screaming about Obama's speech to school children. He's goin to talk about the importance of education.

Horrors.

"I sent my children to school to be educated NOT indoctrinated," sputtered a GOP mom.

Another took the opportunity to break out the ever-popular H-word: "I am recalling similarities between Hitler's speech at the Reichsparteitag in 1935."

Like the nefarious scheme Obama has for expanding access to health care, the Republican moms and dads see this speech as a plot to plant Socialism into the soft skulls of our rightward boys and girls.

To see how well our citizens are being educated now, you don't have to look beyond the erudition of the GOP base.

Some people have suggested that it's not the speech that has them frothing at the mouth for the TV. It's the lesson plan that goes with the speech. So I read it. You can read it, too.

Among other activities, it suggests students make note of words like personal responsibility, persistence and goals.

What a dictator!

Maybe Obama should back off making Socialist-Fascist speeches about education and other stuff that's none of his damn business. Maybe he should be like other presidents and read the damn kids a book.

That worked out so well before.

Confidence Fail.

2009-09-03T10:49:00.004-04:00

I'm not doing well. I've felt like something on the bottom of a shoe for a few weeks now, but I knew my annual physical was coming up so I've put off seeing anyone about the fact that my body appears to be in slow-motion collapse.

Today is the day I go in for the yearly exercise in indignities and assaults.

This morning, at my desk, I started the day just like any other. I got a cup of coffee, fired up my e-mail, and as my inbox was loading I turned the page on my desk calendar.

And what did I read?

"One hundred and seven incorrect medical procedures will be performed by the end of the day today."

Yeah, I'll probably catch a 105 of those.

The Great Escape.

2009-08-27T12:56:00.002-04:00

Nothing makes the boredom of military life melt away like a book.

I had a friend back in the states who sent me books. I will always be grateful. I doubt if she knows just how much that meant to me. I'm not sure anyone can know who hasn't been there, opening a box from home.

Which is why I'm also grateful to the more than two dozen people who signed up to send books to the 47th Combat Support Hospital in Iraq. I expect the first boxes will be showing up soon. I'll keep you posted.

You guys are terrific.

Sorry I haven't been posting much this week. I hurt my back doing something I must be too old to do, although I don't know what that was. Just sitting hurts.

This weekend I'm going to lie flat and relax. Maybe by next Monday I'll be whole again. Wish me luck.

Is that a sausage in your pants?

2009-08-24T10:01:00.003-04:00

Did you know that the most commonly shoplifted item in America is the Bible? Really. The book that commands "Thou shalt not steal" is the hot ticket to pinch?

What's going on here? Is there a boom market for hot gospels? Are shoplifters more religious than we heathens? Or are the religious just more inclined to take things that don't belong to them?

Maybe they did as Jesus instructed, gave away all their shit and then found themselves Word deficient. I don't know.

Whatever it is that moves people to give up their good name and court jail time in exchange for a Bible they could probably get for free from some generous evangelical is beyond me.

Not that I'm above larceny. Everyone has their price, as the cynic says, and I'm not deluded enough to think I can't be bought. Hell, I'm in advertising. I sold my soul decades ago. But outright theft? I'm not sure of much, but I know my price is higher than the cost of a sausage from Whole Foods, that's for sure.

Which is the first thing this professional shoplifter interviewed in the Gothamist said he stole. A sausage, stuffed down his pants. Jesus, dude, have a little dignity.

I took some small pleasure in knowing he stole from Whole Foods, the company whose CEO is one of those loopy Ayn Randers, people who've fucked us up with their economics of greed.

I don't suggest you get into shoplifting, but if you're out of work, thanks to the economics of that other famous Ayn Rander, Milton Friedman, then here's some advice from the pro:

1...choose your locations carefully ... Don't start right away, go there several times, walk around, get to know the people who work there, especially the ones who don't dress in uniform.

2...get to know the camera system. You don’t want to be directly under the camera, you don’t want to be in front of the camera, you want to find blind spots, this is my technical term. Beyond the corner or the bottom reach of the camera.

3...have an exit strategy. Meaning put things in different places, in your pocket or under your pants. Don’t do it right away. First you take the item and walk with it for a little bit. Then when the moment is right and the inspiration is correct, you put it in there. And you don’t run away right away, you stay and shop in the store for awhile until the energy comes down and then you calmly walk out. But the bottom line is don’t rush, don’t rush.

I guess this is good advice in our new oligarchical economy. Bibles or bratwurst, maybe that's what we'll all have to look forward to in retirement.

Our soldiers should be...

2009-08-21T10:12:00.002-04:00

... well-trained, well-fed and well-read.

Yes, I'm still badgering you to donate books to the 47th Combat Support Hospital in Iraq.

For the address, drop me an e-mail: davidterrenoire at hotmail.com.

A modest request.

2009-08-18T09:52:00.006-04:00

This is the Al Asad Air Base in Iraq. And yes, that is a sandstorm about to swallow it up.

This is the charming new home of my niece's husband, a surgeon with the 47th Combat Support Hospital.

I want you to send books to this hospital. Send 1 or 20. I want to send books because I can't send each and every person there an ice-cold vodka tonic.

Some bloggers ask for donations. I don't do that. I write this blog for free, in the hope that it provides you some small amusement. Now I'm asking you to pony up.

Do it for the men and women working long hours in the hospital. Do it for their patients.

You and I know how important books are. Pass that on to people who might think we've forgotten about them.

Send an email to davidterrenoire at hotmail.com and I'll send you the address. Ask your friends and family. I guarantee this small thing will make a big difference.

Let's build a library in Iraq.

Update: My e-mail again is davidterrenoire at hotmail.com

The girls you don't kiss.

2009-08-17T09:48:00.009-04:00

Unless you've been asleep or living in a cave, you know that 40 years ago a half million people came together in upstate New York.

I was a young GI at the time, stationed at Fort Monmouth, New Jersey, learning how to call in hard rain on the unsuspecting.

A couple friends said to me, "There's a big concert in New York this weekend, you wanna go?"

I had a date that coming weekend, and there was a high potential for some skin-on-skin activity. So I said no.

And I missed Woodstock.

What's worse, I didn't get laid, either.

It's one of the regrets I've accumulated as I've grown older, the missed opportunities, the roads I could have taken, the places I could have seen. But instead, I took other roads and saw other places, and it all worked out. No complaints.

But it is true what the philosopher said: "It's not the girls you kiss you regret, but the girls you don't kiss."

So, Woodstock is one of my regrets, which in the big picture isn't so bad. It just taught me to say yes more often.

How about you? What bounces around your skull in still moments and anniversaries? What, or who did you let slip away?

I'll leave you with one of my favorite, often overlooked pieces from Woodstock. This is John Sebastian, tripping his ass off on acid.

He hadn't expected to play, but was asked to do a 15-minute acoustic set while they swept water off the stage so the electric players wouldn't get zapped. Like a trouper he got up and held it together long enough to do a couple of songs, even if the lyrics did drift away a time or two.

Found him.

2009-08-14T07:57:00.003-04:00

This is the headstone for James Ryan, a 19-year-old KIA on Iwo Jima. I've been looking for his grave for years, with the hope of finding his family. So much time has elapsed, and the name Ryan is so common, I don't hold much hope of the latter, but then, I didn't expect to find this, either.

Maybe his family will stumble upon this or the memorial page TD Miller kindly created for him.

James Ryan was my uncle's best friend in the Marines. As one of their comrades wrote to me when I began this search, "They were the first to go on liberty and the last to return." Neither of the young men lived to be 20.

This is the picture that started my search and is quite possibly the last photo taken of either:

My uncle is on the left. Ryan is on the right. The Marine who wrote to me about them said that he was on the hospital ship when he heard that they were killed. He was told that they were together. It gives me some sad comfort to know that. I don't quite know why.

I will continue to look for Ryan's family in the hope that I can give them a copy of this picture. He was from California and he's buried in San Francisco, so that, at least narrows my search.

Les Paul is No More.

2009-08-13T13:58:00.003-04:00

Guitar player, performer and inventor died at the age of 94 in White Plains, NY.

You can read more here.

More Town Hall Crazy.

2009-08-13T12:09:00.002-04:00

I know we shouldn't dismiss these people. They're sincerely scared that Obama is somehow going to turn the US into Communist Roosha overnight.

But Goddamn, this is one big ball of crazy. Here's one woman yesterday in one of these town hall cage matches and her representative is a Republican.

She stood up and said she had five children, telling us nothing more than she's fertile and shuns birth control. She said her husband works hard and pays for the family's health insurance. Again, that told us little more than her husband is employed and his insurance company hasn't decided that covering all those babies is too expensive. Yet.

Then she said, "Because he's white, because he considers the Constitution the law of the land, we are now considered terrorists in our own country." The crowd cheered. "We're considered domestic terrorists, everyone in this room, in the eyes of our own government, if someone gives the word we could all be rounded up." That told us that she's paranoid delusional.

She also said that health care reform could lead to nurses coming into homes, forcing women to have abortions. "You could very well end up on a list for a mandatory abortion."

And that tells us that she's fucking crazy.

The subtle and not-so-subtle art of propaganda.

2009-08-12T13:53:00.004-04:00

I've written this blog for 3 1/2 years and along the way I've said some things that were intemperate, ill-considered and sometimes (gasp) even wrong.

So I must confess that I've also been inconsistent. I've said that William Kristol, number one Palin fan, Washington Post columnist and editor of the conservative Weekly Standard, was the Wrongest Man in America.

I've also said that David Brooks, New York Times columnist and frequent televised talking head, was King of Wrong.

Obviously, they both can't be. One of them has to take the silver.

The latest evidence? An appearance by David Brooks on Meet the Press where he was asked about Obama's efforts to reform America's health plan and shown Rush Limbaugh comparing Nancy Pelosi to Hitler. Here's what he said:

"I hadn't seen the Rush Limbaugh thing. That is insane. What he's saying is insane.

But I guess I would say the, the first thing is it has been a conventional wisdom among the smartest people in Washington that this is such a tough issue you got to do it on a bipartisan basis. And the Obama administration, for better or worse, decided not to do that.

There was a thing called the Wyden-Bennett bill that really could have launched a bipartisan, so leaders of both parties could have gone out to these town meetings. They didn't do it, they chose more or less a Democratic plan and now all hell is breaking loose. And we are now--and it's not just the crazies, among whom we just saw some."

Ah, calm, rational David Brooks. Did you see what he did there? He pirouetted away from the ravings of Limbaugh, making Brooks seem sane, and then he laid the crazy mob behavior of Limbaugh's followers on Obama's doorstep because Obama wasn't bipartisan. Then he said that it wasn't just the crazies who opposed the bill, making the crazy people seem sane.

Wow, that is some fancy footwork there - People are going insane because Obama isn't bipartisan and that makes going insane a sane thing to do.

Whew.

First, let's take a look at this bipartisan Wyden-Bennett bill. It's complicated, as any bill that hopes to fix this train wreck will be, but it looks like it has some merit. You can see a summary of it from the Center on Budget and Policy Priorities here.

This is the bill that Mr. Brooks says, if only Obama had backed this, everything would be all sweetness and light with calm people debating calmly in an atmosphere of calm.

Uh, not according to the right-wing Heritage Foundation who cautioned Republicans from backing the bill. They didn't advocate going crazy, but that's not what Heritage Foundation people do. It would muss their hair.

No, the Heritage Foundation counts on crazy people like Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh to incite the masses.

And David Brooks' call for bipartisanship? Someone should remind him of how Grover Norquist, DC mover and shaker and College Republican pal of Karl Rove, defined it.

"We are trying to change the tones in the state capitals -- and turn them toward bitter nastiness and partisanship," he told
the Denver Post. "Bipartisanship is another name for date rape."

And we all know how eagerly the Republicans have worked with Obama to solve America's problems.

Bipartisanship, my ass.

So, I could say David Brooks is wrong, earning him a point in his contest with Kristol, but I think David Brooks knows exactly what he's doing. So he's not wrong, he's just dishonest.

Leaving Bill Kristol, his heart still going pitty-pat for la femme Palin, even as she goes completely off the rails, holding the King of Wrong crown.

Bill Kristol, still the Wrongest Man in America.

Fox News. Fair and Balanced

2009-08-12T11:18:00.004-04:00

and Wrong.

Look, I know geography isn't America's strong suit, but that country is Iraq. You know, the country Fox News was so eager to invade.

Good thing Sean Hannity wasn't leading our troops* or we might have ended up in New Jersey.

Is it any wonder people who watch this channel are so wrong, so often?

Thanks to the always-entertaining Failblog.org for this.

*This would never happen, of course, because it would require Sean Hannity to actually grow a pair and serve his country.

Oh my God, they beat up Kenny!

2009-08-11T15:25:00.008-04:00

You bastards!

If you haven't been following the Town Hall traveling circus, the man in the wheelchair is Kenneth Gladney, a conservative black man from St. Louis who showed up to protest health care reform, the kind of reform that would cover people who were laid off without insurance.

People like Kenneth Gladney.

The Mighty Wurlitzer of right wing media has made a hero out of Kenny, claiming he was beaten by union supporters of reform. Fox News has practically orgasmed over the opportunity to:

1. Add more noise to the health care debate
2. Show a genuine black conservative who is not Michael Steele
3. Wring their hands over an oppressed minority - a first!
4. Say the words "union thugs" over and over
5. Pretend to champion free speech

Before some Anonymous asshat accuses me of being selective in my support of dissent, I'm not a fan of silencing anyone. I'm old enough to remember when New York hardhats waded into a group of anti-Vietnam war protesters, beating them bloody. I didn't like it then and I don't like it now.

So while I'm angry that anybody gets roughed up for exercising their First Amendment rights, this story is yet another shining example of a Republican working against his own best interests.

And irony? Lady, you're soaking in it.

So far, no reports that Rupert Murdoch has ponied up for Kenny's medical bills.

For those who haven't seen the assault, you can see it here, although it's not very clear what happened, it is pretty clear that Gladney's OK. That is until he gets a lawyer who sees a chance to wring a few bucks out of Kenny's 15 minutes.

And that my friends, is truly the American way.

I woke up this morning with the news in my ear.

2009-08-11T11:42:00.008-04:00

I heard that half the people in North Carolina don't believe Obama is an American and a majority of them don't know Hawaii is a state.

These are the same people who are crowding into the Town Hall fiascos yelling and shouting and never listening. They scream "Keep the government out of my Medicare." They yell "socialism" and then go to the V.A. for their blood pressure medicine.

And more frighteningly, they operate a 3-ton SUV at 70 miles per hour just a few feet from me, every goddam day.

These are the Christians, like the good woman here who is cleverly giving us all the finger, tee hee. I'd bet she doesn't know ABC is owned by the Disney Corporation.

And I'll lay good money that she doesn't know that these astro-turfed Town Hall disruptions are paid for and organized by GOP flacks, right wing PR firms and health insurance companies deathly afraid of losing their monopoly.

I would say they're stupid, but I know some of them and they're not stupid. They're ill-informed, manipulated, lied to and scared, but they're not stupid. And that makes it even worse.

Which leads me to Despair. Despair that nothing will be done to fix our broken health care system because while the GOP is really good at convincing people that Obama is going to kill your mama, that Mexicans are going to crowd you out of your doctor's waiting room and that your grandparents will face "death panels," they suck at actually coming up with anything more positive than stamping their feet and screaming "No!"

The death panel thing comes from the lovely Sarah Palin, who waved her Down's Syndrome baby around like the proverbial bloody shirt, exploiting that little kid again for political gain. Shameful.

Palin should take her own advice, honor the American soldier's sacrifice and stop making shit up.

But that's not going to happen. And that's why the word of the day, kids, is Despair. It's what's for dinner.

UPDATE: For a really great rant about Sarah's death panels, try this.

A sample:

"...You have no idea what it’s like to be called into a sterile conference room with a hospital administrator you’ve never met before and be told that your mother’s insurance policy will only pay for 30 days in ICU. You can't imagine what it's like to be advised that you need to “make some decisions,” like whether your mother should be released “HTD” which is hospital parlance for “home to die...”

And yes, there was alcohol involved.

2009-08-10T12:54:00.003-04:00

The post-mortem score as it stands today:

Lenin 1, Stalin 0.

Of course, Vladimir Ilyich has a ways to go catch up with Uncle Joe's estimated murder of 20 million. And that doesn't even count the war years.

But you have to give it to Lenin. There is a certain perseverance in reaching out from the grave.

From the AP:

MINSK, Belarus -- Belarusian officials says that a massive statue of Soviet founder Vladimir Lenin collapsed on a man who was hanging from it, killing him on the spot.

The Emergency Situations ministry said Monday that the 21-year-old man was drunk when he climbed onto the five-meter (16-feet)-high plaster monument early Monday and hung from its arm. It then broke into pieces and he was crushed.

Proof that there are rednecks across the globe. Pass the vodka, comrade, and then watch this.

Mr. Waits.

2009-08-09T08:49:00.004-04:00

We all need a palate cleanser after the urn post. Jesus, what a thing to wish on your heirs.

The NYT dug up this clip from Fernwood Tonight and suggested that maybe Martin Mull didn't understand Tom Waits' act, which does a huge disservice to Mr. Mull's truck-sized sense of irony.

As is often the case, the only one left out of the joke is the New York Times.

Years ago, a few years before this clip aired, I went to a big party and at the door the hostess asked, "Will you be getting naked tonight?"

I said that I hoped so, eventually, because I hated sleeping in my clothes.

She explained that many of the partiers would be shedding their clothes and those people would be designated by a gold star.

I declined.

It was a good party and as the crowd loosened up, first one, then two, and then more people appeared sans clothing, drinking, smoking, talking as if there was nothing untoward about a naked person standing at the buffet dipping into the canapes. I heard there was some group sex happening in another room, so I knew which room to avoid.

One fellow, gold star afixed to his forehead, sat in a corner, naked except for his briefs. He looked uncomfortable and very alone.I wanted to tell him it was OK to put on his pants. And it was OK to shed the jockeys. But choose.

That guy? That guy probably went on to work at the New York Times.

A quick look around to see what's happening in the world.

2009-08-05T09:51:00.003-04:00

and ... OH MY GOD!

Wish it into the cornfield, Billy, wish it into the cornfield.