Lone Star Court Rules Against Giant Texas Dildo.

Just a day before Valentine's Day, the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals, usually just to the right of Torquemada, ruled in favor of personal dildos and other doodads, and against a giant Texas dildo, Attorney General Greg Abbott. That's him up there, thinking about all manner of perversion. You can tell by the smile.

Before this ruling, dildos and vibrators were illegal in Texas, even if you promised to use them only on your shoulders and neck like the woman in the ad. But the court nixed the ban saying it infringed on Lone Star citizens' right "to engage in private intimate conduct in the home without government intrusion." In other words, get their freak on without Greg Abbott peering in between the shades.

Greg Abbott, not one to pull out early, insisted he'd petition the court to think about the curse of dildos again, and what their legality could mean to Texas. Greg insists that if Texas allowed dildos, it would surely lead to "consensual adult incest or bigamy."

That's right. If you allow rubber putzes in the bedroom, the next thing you know people are going to be sleeping with their sisters, marrying multiple sheep, voting for Democrats and who knows what all.

The horror.

Greg Abbott, Attorney General of Texas. What a giant dildo.