In despair?

Think today's young people are feckless and America's glory days are just a dot in the rearview mirror? Well, think again, Mr. Glass-Half-Empty. As long as we have great young Americans like John Cornwell, our place at the pinnacle of international influence is secure.

John, a recent graduate of Duke University, our high-priced local bastion of beer and b'ball, has invented the greatest boon to college dorm rats since the inflatable doll. John created a mini-fridge that can fling a brewski across the room and into your hand (or at your roommate, depending on your level of hostility and how many Miller Lites you've already imbibed).

With a range of 15 feet, a remote-controlled guidance system, and a 10-beer magazine, you're good for the entire first half of an NCAA Tournament game. Add the Stadium Pal and you never have to leave the couch.

Beer is not the only projectile Cornwell has launched across a room, just the most practical. I mean, it's great that he invented a potentially lethal potato cannon but, outside of Ireland, how does that add lustre to Western culture? The answer is, it doesn't.

No, beer's the thing, and John is flinging it. Check out his video up there and if you don't know what a Stadium Pal is, click on the link and listen to David Sedaris explain the practical joys of this ultimate sports accessory.

Then raise a glass to John Cornwell, Duke graduate, inventor, entrepreneur and Great Young American.

Hoo-rah.