If Texas didn't exist, we'd have to make it up.

A friend forwarded this story to me and it was too good not to post it.

John Kelso of the Austin Statesman asks if this man is the most politically incorrect person in Texas. I don't know, but the competition has got to be fierce.

Let's say that for now, this guy is in the finals.

Charles Johnson III, oil wealth oozing from his ears, is taking Jesus' commandments to heart and helping clothe the naked, although Jesus didn't say anything about Hooters T-shirts so Johnson extemporized.

Yes, Mr. Johnson flew to New Guinea, where other people have been eaten for less, and handed out Hooters T-shirts to the women.

I love this guy.

That's Johnson up there in the bowling shirt and fez, a look I might adopt for my next gig. In the story Johnson also gives vent to his inner Maragret Mead by enlightening us as to the local customs. Speaking of one woman carrying a pig (not Johnson) he said, "She was nursing that pig when we saw her. A lot of women in New Guinea nurse their pigs to fatten 'em up."

And speaking of pigs, Johnson rides around with a stuffed hog in the sidecar of his motorcycle.
"I stuff him in my sidecar and take him barhopping," he said. "We put dollar bills in his hooves for the girls in the strip clubs."

Johnson has also sponsored topless dove hunts next to a maximum security prison. This means he hires topless dancers to act as bird dogs, fetching the downed birds for the hunters. "When they bring back a dove," he said, "they get a dollar." Nice.

But, according to Kelso, "Perhaps the apex of Johnson's politically incorrect career occurred when he brought a 378-pound Dallas transvestite named Rhapsody as his date to his 20th high school reunion in Amarillo.

"She was a great date. Drank a whole fifth of vodka," Johnson said.

Mom, is that you?

Kelso tells a few other stories about our man Johnson, but you have to go read him. Go ahead. It's funny stuff.

Or maybe it's just another day, another dude, down in Texas. You gotta love 'em.

(And no, I'm not out of retirement. I just couldn't let this one pass by without comment.)