Monday, December 10, 2007

Jackie Treehorn draws a lot of water in this town.

Are you an Achiever? Are you looking for a cash machine? Can you get me a toe?

In other words, are you a Lebowski? Of course you are.

My nephew recently inaugurated his new home theater with TBL, and why not? It's got to be one of the best movies ever made.

I recently bought I'm a Lebowski, You're a Lebowski. Buy a copy for the Achiever on your list.

If you're a fan of the film (and who isn't?), you might wonder just how they can run it on television, what with all the F-bombs. Thankfully, the book gives us a look inside the televised Big Lebowski.

Here is a short list of some of the lines they had to change to protect the children:

Original: They peed on my fucking rug.
TV Version: They peed on my valued rug.

Original: Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules?
TV Version: Am I the only one around here who gives a stick about the rules?

Original: I'll suck your cock for a thousand dollars.
TV Version: I'll slurp your Coke for a thousand dollars.

Original: This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass.
TV version: This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps.

I used some pretty rough language in Beneath A Panamanian Moon. I thought it was appropriate, but Mom was a little uncomfortable. Ah, well.

Every writer I know gets hit with the language question sooner or later so, this is for you. Let's imagine one of your books gets made into a feature film and when it goes to TV they have to dub G-rated, politically-correct language in to make up for your original potty-mouthed dialogue.

For instance, in BAPM:

Original: "Goddamn taco-bending goat fucker."
TV Version: "Gosh darn tempo-friendly coat fluffer."

So try this, Planeteers. Pick one from your own (or your favorite) nasty manuscript and give it the kid-friendly treatment.

Did you know they make Nihilist gum and it has no flavor? Really.


Graham Powell said...

My favorite (not original to me) from the Pacino Scarface:

"Oh yeah? Well, thaaaannnk you! Thank me? No, thank you!"

John McFetridge said...

From my own, Dirty Sweet:

"That is one stone-cold motherfucking faggot."

To protect the kiddies:
"That is one stone-cold man's man."

pattinase (abbott) said...

If you are really depressed, as I am now, it doesn't work. You need a certain gay-heartedness to appreciate it.

David Terrenoire said...


Sometimes it's the season. Do what I do. I get really drunk and run over a mall Santa. Picks me up every time.

John McFetridge said...

I hesitated to post something out of context.

Sometimes it is the season, a tough time of year. Lately my mantra has been, "This, too, will pass."

Daniel Hatadi said...

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

Every dumb fuck knows that every loaded mother fucker what ain't married wants for himself a money-grubbing whore.

Wait. I think I got that the wrong way around.

JD Rhoades said...

This scene from The Wire on broadcast TV:

"Oh, my."

"My goodness."



Nicole said...

Shit Cracker, you're one crazy funny ass, dog-fucker!

Shoot cranky, you're one crazy funny asset, donkey!