Sunday, May 31, 2009

Wankers in the News

As promised, here's a compendium of asshats who have made public statements that have elicited a WTF in the past few weeks. First up is the two Young Cons rapping about Jesus and taxes and Ayn Rand, lawn care and the high cost of BMW repairs. Actually, I couldn't listen to the entire thing so I don't know what their posturing about.

But the coments at YouTube are a joy. Here are a few:

This is like watching your dad trying to dance to C&C Music Factory at your cousin's wedding.

Michael Steele says this video is the shiznit!

These two idiots should be making raps about their real "problems," like the hard decision of what kind of product to put in their hair.

and my favorite:

There are two novels that can change a fourteen-year old"s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other involves hobbits.


Next up is former state representative Cary Allred, a Republican from Alamance County, an area overrun with conservative jerks so, in Allred, they were getting true representation. That is, until last week when Allred resigned.

Allred was under investigation for (allegedly) getting his drink on before weaving his way into the legislative chambers where he (allegedly) hugged a 17-year-old page in a way that many thought inappropriate which, in my view, almost always involves hand/ass contact, but I wasn't there so I can't know. Allred also was clocked doing 102 MPH on his way to Raleigh. He talked his way out of a ticket by claiming he was rushing to the capital to vote on something like allowing old men to grope young girls without penalty.

But what really got my attention, and earned Allred a spot in today's post, was what he said when confronted with all his (alleged) shenanigans:

"I am 62 years old, and I'm worth two million dollars. People ought to show me respect."

Money = Respect. Spoken like a true Republican. Maybe he should put out his own rap video now that he's out of work. He couldn't be more embarrassing than our two Young Cons above.

Taking third place but still finishing in the money is Mark Krikorian of the Center for Immigration Studies. He, being all sensitive to immigrants' issues, takes offense at the way SCOTUS nominee Sonia Sotomayor pronounces her name:

Deferring to people’s own pronunciation of their names should obviously be our first inclination, but there ought to be limits. Putting the emphasis on the final syllable of Sotomayor is unnatural in English ...insisting on an unnatural pronunciation is something we shouldn’t be giving in to.

This from a guy named Krikorian.

As most of you know, I have a name that doesn't rolling willingly from uber-patriotic American lips. My drill sergeant called me everything from Tarantula to Toranado, never once coming close to wrapping his tongue around the French noire in the end syllable and just the thought of my drill sergeant's tongue just made me want to toss breakfast.

My apologies.

Even my immediate family had willingly let our name be corrupted to a Terre-noor pronunciation until some of us took it back and insisted that noire is noire, you provincial putz, not noor.

So, I'm a little closer to this whole name thing than is Mr. Krikorian, or as we pronounce it here at the Planet, FUCK-tard, with the emphasis on the first syllable because insisting on unnatural pronunciation is something we shouldn't be giving in to.

There are many more Wankers in the News, but I have to work. Yes, on a Sunday. But if I missed your favorite, be sure to let us know. Sadly, there is a plethora of choices.


Carol said...

This is the first I've read of your blog, and I must say ... I'm very pleased!

You have a writing style that is captivating, and a cynicism that's refreshing.

Thanks for the morning entertainment. I'm sure I'll be reading more of you.

David Terrenoire said...

Thank you, Carol, and welcome to the Planet. I'll try not to let you down.

info said...

Wankers in the news? Jesus, David, that's pretty ambitious. You could start typing now and never stop. There's a neverending supply of dipshits like Krikorian (how do you pronounce that again?) out there, waiting and willing to step up the plate for you.

I look forward to more of the same...

deangc said...

Just so you know, I happen to think that Terrenoire is one hell of a fine name.

And yah, the problem with writing about wankers in the news is winnowing down the selection. There are so many.