What this bumper sticker tells me.

I see a lot of strange and often frightening things on my weekday commute. I've watched 18-wheelers drift into my lane because the driver is texting. I've seen very large people eating sausage biscuits at 75 MPH. I've seen unintentionally funny vanity plates and people warming up for their American Idol debut.

But this morning I saw a guy with this bumper sticker carefully centered between huge Phillies and Eagles stickers.

And yes, it was an SUV, why do you ask?

Now, I'm a big fan of the Constitution and I'm not happy about Obama's extension of the Bush policy on wire taps and secrecy, but I'd bet that if I stopped this guy and asked him just what it was that he found unconstitutional in Obama's first 100 days, I'll bet he wouldn't bring up either one of those. But that's just a guess.

Then I thought about the guy who designed this sticker. He's stolen the pissing Calvin car cartoon that some other asshole stole from Bill Watterson and his use of the exclamation point suggests he thinks this is satire on a Swiftian level, delivered with the wit of Wilde.

So it was no surprise to discover that the designer of this sticker is a right wing radio guy. His name is Mike Church but he's given himself a nickname like his mentor El Rushbo.

I've written before about the lame-assedness of middle-aged men giving themselves nicknames, but this guy has the effrontery to call him The Dude, or King Dude, an insult to Achievers everywhere.


I've never heard Mr. Church's radio show, so he might be really funny and smart. Just like our transplanted Philadelphia brother could be a Constitutional scholar. But I have my doubts.

My evidence, aside from the bumper sticker, comes from Mike Church's own page hawking his satirical wares. Here's the headline:

Obama Miterates on the Constitution Bumper Sticker!

In the body copy, Mr. Church tells us he thought "long and hard" about this bumper sticker. He wanted to make it "outrageous, relevant and CONSERVATIVE."

Wow. Where to start?

First of all, the word is "micturates." As in "...every time a rug is micturated upon in this fair city..." But since the demise of Bill Buckley and Barry Goldwater, intellectual rigors like spelling have been widely ignored by the American right.

Second, if Mr. Church actually thought long and hard and came up with this as being outrageous, relevant and CONSERVATIVE then I'd suggest that Mr. Church doesn't know the meaning of any of those words, including the words thought, long and hard.

But Mr. Church's intellectual vacuity pales next to the guy who actually buys one of these stickers and puts it on his car. Because everyone who gets behind him is going to think, "Jesus, what an asshole."

Yes, these are the things I think about on my Friday morning commute. I hope your time was spent more productively.