Meditating while Larry King tweets.

Larry King is a legend in the Twitterverse for tweeting the most inane thoughts. Nothing that passes through that shriveled noggin goes unexpressed. Here are a few recent Larryisms he felt moved to communicate to his fans:

this just in from the water cooler... we need more water!

I have over 200 pair of suspenders

what ever happened to galoshes?

What’s the difference between: a frankfurter and a hot dog? Root beer and sarsaparilla? Carmel and butterscotch?

one of my new favorite foods is peanut butter

Does anybody smoke a pipe anymore? What about wear a bow tie? When was the last time you saw a guy wearing a bow tie? Or a vest?

Wow. Really makes you want to sign up for a Twitter account, doesn't it?

Now you're wondering what Larry King's tweets have to do with my meditation. Just hang on, patchouli breath.

For those of you following along at home, I started meditating in the hopes that my blood pressure would come down and I'd be a more pleasant person to live with.

So I'm one for two.

Meditation is the art of concentrating on nothing, not an easy thing to do. Every morning I sit quietly and try to empty my head of all the crap zipping around in there and I'm getting better at it. Not good, but better.

But even on my best days, as my mind goes clear as an empty movie screen, a guy from the back row whispers,

"Ripe tomatoes are good with salt."

"Earbuds are more comfortable than headphones."

And I think Larry King has set up a Twitter feed in my head.

"Steve Earle's beard is as long as the Maharishi's."

"Mint, bamboo and kudzu are taking over the world."

"I like toast."

Larry King for fuck's sake. Dear God, make him stop. Please, somebody make him stop.