I don't know who decides these things, but here are their Top Ten Worst Holiday Specials:1. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians - I've only seen this one on MST3K, which made it a great movie in my book. Damn, the acting was the cheesiest. Oh, and it had Pia Zadora.
2. 'The Star Wars Holiday Special' - Never saw it but with a cast that included Bea Arthur and Harvey Korman, I'm going to search it out for gift giving.
3. Babes in Toyland - Another one God gave me the grace to miss. Maybe because I saw that it starred Drew Barrymore and Keanu Reeves and I thought, "Hey, I can miss both of them by missing one show! Bonus!" According to the review, Keanu drives around in a pink, flowery go-cart and sings about Ohio. That right there is enough to make you gouge your eyeballs out.
4. Christmas Comes to Pac-Land - Jesus, where was I when these were made? By 1982 I was over my hookers and heroin phase, so that's not it. Oh, that's right, I have taste. See, this Christmas turkey stars Pac-Man, fucking Pac-Man, to celebrate the birth of our savior. No wonder this land is cursed.
5. Jack Frost - Now this is getting ridiculous. I know I'm a heathen, but how did I miss Michael Keaton starring as a blues singer who neglects his son, is killed on Christmas Eve, and is reincarnated as a snowman? Really, where was I?
6. Silent Night, Deadly Night - Finally, one I've seen. Yeah, pretty bad slasher flick even for someone who hates Santa, the fat fuck. And what's a holiday special without tits?
7. Surviving Christmas - Ben Affleck. That's right. Ben Affleck.
8. Eight Crazy Nights - Adam Sandler. Check please.
9. Jingle All the Way - Arnold Schwarzenegger. Just when you think it can't get any worse, it does. I saw about 30 seconds of this the other night. Jesus, what a holiday suckfest.
10. Kathie Lee Gifford's Christmas specials - Now, I can't say I've ever witnessed one of Kathie Lee's Christmas specials but then I've never had my testicles hooked up to a car battery either, and yet I know it would hurt real bad. Here's a great quote from critic Tom Shales: "What's the difference between the 24-hour flu and a Kathie Lee Gifford Christmas special? Twenty-three hours."
That's the list the pundits have put together. My own would include Rudolph, that one with Burl Ives as a singing snowman who pulls a banjo out of his ass whenever he hears a song coming on. But that's just me.
What about you? Any holiday cheese that stirs nightmares of sugarplums in your head?
5 comments:
RE your post a few days ago, try this link:
http://www.wimp.com/sznwe/
You forgot to pour a little sping water in that Jack Daniels didn't you?
Dread
My local video store actually has a copy of Santa Claus vs. the Martians. It's on my must-see holiday video list...I really miss MST3K.
I thought you were kidding about the Star Wars thing until I found it on IMDB. Mother of God.
In the holiday cheese category, the David Bowie / Bing Crosby duet always makes me cringe.
David,
It's the POINT THEATRE in Dublin for us on Christmas weekend - SNOW PATROL concert ...
Then we're off to my wife's country, Scotland, for New Years (..or Hogmanay as they call it). I'll have to get my stomach relined when I return (Geez, I thought we Irish could drink until I went to Scotland! Amazing! Must be the water over there.)
And I keep reminding my wife (as I hide from her wrath) that we Irish gave the Scots our whisk(e)y, our bagpipes, our Gaelic language, and even our name - we used to be known as the Scotii - and, yeah, they've evolved into better drinkers ... maybe the Scots-Irish in the States have evolved even further ... go ask your new Virginia senator, Jim Webb.
And - looking at an earlier blog of yours, I finally got around to picking up your book : I'm on page 194, what a tale. I am NEVER going to go to Panama...
So, for anyone who reads this: buy BENEATH A PANAMANIAN MOON for yourself - and buy a second as a Christmas gift. It's ThrillerFest nomination for Best First Novel of 2005 was well deserved. So go here and but a few :
http://www.amazon.com/Beneath-Panamanian-Moon-John-Harper/dp/B000H2MNLU/sr=1-1/qid=1165838925/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/102-7698245-8636906?ie=UTF8&s=books
Merry Christmas, David, I'll raise a glass to you over the holidays!
Slan,
Pat.
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