For all of you readers who have been doing more important things like napping or sticking your head under a running lawn mower, that cover girl up there is John McCain's ideal choice to be a heartbeat away from the presidency.
This is Sarah Palin, former beauty queen, ex-mayor of Sicily Alaska and now governor of the whole damn state, a state the Wall Street Journal reminds us with a breathless ooh, is our largest state.
Ooh, look at how big it is. It's really, really big. It's a lot bigger than Joe Biden's puny Delaware, so there.
Of course, they don't say that Alaska, by population, is smaller than Columbus, Georgia. Unless you count the moose.
Speaking of moose, I don't think they voted for our glam-gov. She's told the gaping news corps that her favorite meal is moose stew and somehow a mooseburger played a part in her romance with hubbie Todd, but I think I've exorcised that little bite of trivia.
A lot of liberals have dismissed Sarah as Caribou Barbie, but I think they're making a big mistake. I don't think Palin is a lightweight. In fact, I think her superficial charms will win over a lot of the double-digit IQ voters who see her as exotic in a good way, from Alaska, one of the original 49 states, not exotic in a foreign way, like that Johnny-come-lately Hawaii.
They'll see her as spunky, a hockey mom who shoots guns and hoops and entered the governor's office ready to put a hefty mukluk in the ass of corrupt politicians. She's a plucky maverick, just like our front runner, the guy who goes his own way (10% of the time) and is a salty old Navy aviator, by gum, home from the war.
Even Steve Doocy, a man with the intellectual heft of a burnt match (that's him up there with ethics champion Karl Rove), said, "...she does know about international relations because she is right up there in Alaska right next door to Russia," proving once again that Doocy is the dumbest fucking man on television, and that includes Tony Danza.
Following Doocy's logic, I should know all about pigs because I live in North Carolina, home to a huge pork industry. But as it is, I know more about bull shit than pig shit. Maybe that's because one of our senators is Liddy Dole.
But I digress.
Just when I thought Sarahmania was about to overwhelm the GOP confab in St. Paul, along comes the news that her daughter, Bristol, is knocked up, as in preggers, by her boyfriend Levi Johnston. And who is Levi, the guy who been knocking boots with Bristol? Here's how he describes himself on his MySpace page:
"a f*ckin’ redneck who likes to snowboard and ride dirt bikes."
"But I live to play hockey. I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some sh%t and just f*ckin' chillin' I guess."
And if you latte-sipping liberals want to make something of it, Levi warns, "Ya f*ck with me I'll kick [your] ass."
Hey, excrement occurs. Let he who is without a daughter cast the first stone. And Obama told the press, leave families out of it. That's off limits.
I wish someone had told that to Rove and Cheney when they punished Valerie Plame for something her husband wrote, but then, even organized crime has more scruples than those two assholes.
When I heard the news about Bristol being in a family way, I had two thoughts:
1. That's what happens when you teach abstinence only sex ed.
2. Had that been an Obama daughter we would have heard a lot of talk about "unwed mothers" with whispered innuendo about how those people can't control themselves.
So, what's my point?
It's this. John McCain is 72. He's had cancer. There's a chance he might, you know, turn toes up on inauguration day, leaving us in the hands of a woman who has had more experience hiring the guy who cleans the moose shit off the main street than running a country as complex as the US. Not that experience wins my vote. We had a lot of experience in Cheney and Rumsfeld and look where that got us.
No, I look for leadership. And leadership means picking a running mate who will best serve the country. On one hand you have Joe Biden. On the other you have Sarah Palin. I think the choices speak volumes about the judgement of the men who will lead their respective tickets.
But if you want to be governed by a hockey mom who speaks in tongues, wants creationism taught in science class and thinks women aren't moral enough to choose when to have a baby, you go out and pull that lever for McCain and God Bless the US.
Cynicism. It's what they're serving in St. Paul this week. Let's all belly up and dig in.