Monday, September 08, 2008

Welcome to Small Town USA, Sarah Palin, Mayor.

Once again, I apologize for being absent from my post, but this time it wasn't because of work. I've been woefully ill, projecting vile substances from my body by the quart, fore and aft. I'm better now, but still a little weak, so forgive me if I wander off.

While I was otherwise engaged, the Republicans found themselves their own celebrity in Sarah Palin, and I was right about this plucky little gal from the cold white north. She's set America's heart atwitter with her embodiment of small town values.

I love Sarah!

She doesn't like a book in the library, away with it! The librarian doesn't cater to the new rules, she can find a new job. Yeah, maybe you can work down at the Walmart, racking their carefully-vetted best sellers.

I love Sarah!

She lives those small town values that only those of us who grew up in small towns can truly cherish. Sarah embodies the decent, hard-working, kind and generous people of the small town. She conjures up Mayberry and Main Street in her toothy smile. She stands up for every humble American who is standing up for the little guy, as long as the little guy isn't a mackeral snapper, kike, nigger, wop, chink, wetback, frog, kraut, spic, greaser, fag, mick or polack.

I grew up in small towns and I know the decent people and I know the honest people. I also know the real values of small town America, and some of those values aren't so much Bedford Falls as they are Pottersville.

I've lived in the north and the south, the east, the west and the midwest. I can say without any hesitation that small towns, out of a very small and stagnant gene pool, produce a remarkably large number of bigots, morons, cretins, idiots, goons, and self-righteous moralizers.

I grew up hearing the most endearing terms for blacks, gays, foreigners and Jews. I could tell you jokes I heard in grade school that are so offensive I could be a toastmaster at a klan rally. And that right there makes me at least half Republican already.

But of all the small town values I've seen reflected in today's GOP, all the intolerance, narrow thinking and fear, the thing that I love most is the gossip. I love to wallow in the whispers that stick a knife in an innocent person's back. I revel in the wanton destruction of lives and reputations.

I thrilled to Rove's side-of-the-mouth slur about McCain's black baby in 2000. I was giddy when Jesse Helms' surrogates repeated stories about an opponent being secretly gay. And when the Republicans floated the rumor that not only was Obama a muslim, but that his wife hated whitey, I was breathless in admiration at their audacity and shamelessness.

So, I want in on the game. This past weekend I heard two pieces of gossip so juicy that I can't keep them to myself.

But first, are you the kind of person who is quick to believe the absolute worst about someone you've never met? Do you harbor resentments for people who are smarter, prettier, richer or better than you? Yes? Perfect! You're the ideal Republican scandal monger. Get ready, 'cause here comes the dirt:

Sarah Palin had an affair with one of her husband's friends. It's true. I read it in the National Enquirer, you know, the same newspaper that broke the story about John Edwards' philandering. For months Republicans fretted and whined about the mainstream media's obvious bias for not picking up the Enquirer's story. Now they insist that the Enquirer is a big fat liar and we should all shut the hell up.

Isn't gossip fun?

This was reported over the weekend by the LA Progressive: When Sarah was lunching with ladies who lunch, the topic of the Democratic primary came up and a waitress overheard Sarah, our dear, plucky, Sarah, say, "Sambo beat the bitch," and laugh and laugh, because it was just that funny.

Of course, no one has verified these rumors, which make them all that much more fun to spread around in my new role as a Republican. Who cares what's true? Hell, if truth was the standard, Mitt and Rudy's speeches would have each been a minute long.

So come on, gang, let's make shit up. It's fun!

Obama gave 60's radical William Ayers plans for a nuclear bomb! And Obama was only eight!

Biden knifed a hooker in Wilmington because she made fun of his hair!

Sarah once swallowed an entire kitten, whole!

John McCain is such a hot head that he scares his GOP colleagues!

Oh, wait, that last one was true.

But what the hell. Come on, everybody, exercise your small town values! Embrace ignorance! Be suspicious of anyone slightly different than you. Be smug and derisive about those dreamers who think they can make the world a better place. Ridicule service, unless it's armed service. Practice the freedom to think and act just like everyone else.

Ignorance! Fear! Suspicion! Meth kitchens and oxycontin! Those are the small town values I'm talkin' about.

I love Sarah!


Anonymous said...

Glad that you are feeling better. It seems like all that's left in you is piss and vinegar, and rightly so.

Karen Olson said...

So glad you're feeling better.

I love this post.

Did you hear the one about how the Down syndrome baby isn't hers at all?

pattinase (abbott) said...

I heard it was the fourteen year old's not the seventeen year old's.
No kidding, I'm scared to death.
I think I've had that thing all summer. It's called the John McCann flu.

Charlie Stella said...

Davey, Davey, Davey ... you're sounding angry ... unless Palin self-destructs under unfettered questioning (and she may well do that), the Dems may have blown it yet again ... but I'm curious about your experiences living in the big city(ies). I grew up in a section of Brooklyn (Canarsie) they've done academic studies on regarding racism; in fact, our high school was closed at least 1 week every year I attended from racial tensions/riots. I'm talking about Brooklyn of the great blue state of New York.

Those were some sweeping generalizations regarding small towns ... I only lived in a "relatively" small one for a couple years (in college in North Dakota) and I found the place relatively accepting.

She may be whacky, this Palin person, but she also may be your next VP ... and you can blame your Dem party for letting HC run the entire nomination process into the ground.

Beneath the Carolina Moon said...

David, your fangs and pangs are showing! Go sit on the toilet for another day! Jeebus what sour grapes! What are the odds that Biden will be dumped and Hillery picked up, because Mr. Political Genius....Never mind. I forgot that Democrats are PERFECT and make no mistakes and never do anything underhanded. (rolls eyes)


Charlie Stella said...

Says it all:

One book is called: Canarsie: The Jews and Italians of Brooklyn Against Liberalism

Anonymous said...

Charlie and Dread,

I don't know why you think I'm angry. I've just decided the GOP knows how to win elections.

Why treat people like grown-ups when you can feed them the most transparent bullshit and get away with it?

We Dems have been saps. No more. From now on we play by the same rules.

Did you know John McCain is the Manchurian candidate, brainwashed by his Communist captors to undermine the American system? It's true.

Or at least as true as Sarah Palin's killing the Bridge to Nowhere.

Come on Charlie, come on Dread, the truth won't set you free, it'll only hold you back.

Don't get angry. Get even.

Charlie Stella said...


Cherie said...

I was just lucky enough to find your blog. You are tooooo funny. You speak great truths, O WISE ONE. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Obama claims that his position as director of the Developing Communities Project qualifies him to be president where he was a community organizer. Just to put things in perspective - the annual revenue during Obama's best year at the Developing Communities Project was $400,000. The annual budget for Wasilla, Alaska was $13 million. Let's see.... 13mil vs 400,000! Obama is far less qualified than Palin to be president!!

Beneath the Carolina Moon said...

Sheesh! Rationalization is the emotional crutch that enables political proponents whose desire to believe is stronger than anything else within them to support inferior candidates. Yes, it sucks that my candidate sucks, but doesn't suck as bad as your candidate sucks, which makes the whole election and our attitudes suck. Thus, space is a vaccum. I think in this instant, party b has learned to one up party a at their own game, which is, celebrity wins. It's not fair eh? But, it keeps life exciting, when the election isn't being run on issues, ability, or solutions offered,to start with.

At the end of the day, just like at work, the jolliest back slapper wins. It's time we quit confusing celebrities as leaders. But, it'll never happen in our time.

Celebrity doesn't begat leadership, but leadership can begat celebrity, and that's why at the end of the day a leader with celebrity wins.


David Terrenoire said...

The difference is, Dread, that I don't buy Obama as a celebrity, at least not in the beginning. I think people flocked to his message first and that inspired his celebrity.

Palin, on the other hand, is famous for only one speech. She hasn't allowed herself to be asked hard questions, she hasn't been put through the crucible of a primary campaign, so she hasn't really done anything except give one speech , and that speech was written for her, unlike Obama's.

As a writer, that makes a big difference to me.

But aside from celebrity, listen to the answers Obama and Biden have given in recent interviews. They sound like grown-ups, and more importantly, they're treating us like we're grown-ups.

On the other side, it's a lot of snide derision (I know derision because I deal in it daily) and outright lies.

But if you're convinced Obama is just celebrity, there's nothing I will say that will convince you otherwise. But tell me, did you know that McCain's health care plan includes taxing employee health care benefits as income?

Yeah, while we're swooning over the Palinator, we're not talking about that much, are we?

I just wish the American people would grow the fuck up.

Beneath the Carolina Moon said...

Okay. I can at least ditto the wish about the American people growing up.

Biden and Obama and Palin and McCain have about 60 days to make their cases, jump through the hoops, and answer the hard questions. At the end of election day the dust will settle and someone will have to start ponying up, meanwhile, it's going to be a fun ride.

Wesley Mcgranor said...

I all for such bigoted principles.