Get those gays out of uniform and back into cowboy boots where they belong.

Last year the Pentagon dismissed 726 service members for being gay. That's 10 percent more than 2004, so when Bush says "we're making progress," I now know how he measures it.

(As an interesting, word-related aside, the majority of the soldiers dismissed were found in Ft. Leonard Wood, a post I've always thought had the gayest name of any military post in the world, hands down.)

One of the soldiers dismissed recently was an Arabic translator. Yeah, we don't need those guys.

A question the Army investigators asked, guaranteed to suss out gayness in my opinion, was if the soldier had ever been in community theater. No, I am not making that up.

Because I'm a helper, I've put together some additional questions our military can use to root out those gay boys from our ranks.

1. Have you ever been a cheerleader?
2. How often do you use the word fabulous?
3. Are you most comfortable in the company of fawning, unmarried women?
4. Do you like to dress up in costumes?
5. Have you ever kissed another man?
6. Have you ever held hands with another man?

Anyone who answers these questions in the affirmative is gayer than organza, no matter how much he struts around like a cowboy.

But for a sure tipoff, anyone who wears a cowboy hat and cowboy boots but never rides a horse? Yeah, you know.