Welcome to Small Town USA, Sarah Palin, Mayor.

Once again, I apologize for being absent from my post, but this time it wasn't because of work. I've been woefully ill, projecting vile substances from my body by the quart, fore and aft. I'm better now, but still a little weak, so forgive me if I wander off.

While I was otherwise engaged, the Republicans found themselves their own celebrity in Sarah Palin, and I was right about this plucky little gal from the cold white north. She's set America's heart atwitter with her embodiment of small town values.

I love Sarah!

She doesn't like a book in the library, away with it! The librarian doesn't cater to the new rules, she can find a new job. Yeah, maybe you can work down at the Walmart, racking their carefully-vetted best sellers.

I love Sarah!

She lives those small town values that only those of us who grew up in small towns can truly cherish. Sarah embodies the decent, hard-working, kind and generous people of the small town. She conjures up Mayberry and Main Street in her toothy smile. She stands up for every humble American who is standing up for the little guy, as long as the little guy isn't a mackeral snapper, kike, nigger, wop, chink, wetback, frog, kraut, spic, greaser, fag, mick or polack.

I grew up in small towns and I know the decent people and I know the honest people. I also know the real values of small town America, and some of those values aren't so much Bedford Falls as they are Pottersville.

I've lived in the north and the south, the east, the west and the midwest. I can say without any hesitation that small towns, out of a very small and stagnant gene pool, produce a remarkably large number of bigots, morons, cretins, idiots, goons, and self-righteous moralizers.

I grew up hearing the most endearing terms for blacks, gays, foreigners and Jews. I could tell you jokes I heard in grade school that are so offensive I could be a toastmaster at a klan rally. And that right there makes me at least half Republican already.


But of all the small town values I've seen reflected in today's GOP, all the intolerance, narrow thinking and fear, the thing that I love most is the gossip. I love to wallow in the whispers that stick a knife in an innocent person's back. I revel in the wanton destruction of lives and reputations.

I thrilled to Rove's side-of-the-mouth slur about McCain's black baby in 2000. I was giddy when Jesse Helms' surrogates repeated stories about an opponent being secretly gay. And when the Republicans floated the rumor that not only was Obama a muslim, but that his wife hated whitey, I was breathless in admiration at their audacity and shamelessness.

So, I want in on the game. This past weekend I heard two pieces of gossip so juicy that I can't keep them to myself.

But first, are you the kind of person who is quick to believe the absolute worst about someone you've never met? Do you harbor resentments for people who are smarter, prettier, richer or better than you? Yes? Perfect! You're the ideal Republican scandal monger. Get ready, 'cause here comes the dirt:

Sarah Palin had an affair with one of her husband's friends. It's true. I read it in the National Enquirer, you know, the same newspaper that broke the story about John Edwards' philandering. For months Republicans fretted and whined about the mainstream media's obvious bias for not picking up the Enquirer's story. Now they insist that the Enquirer is a big fat liar and we should all shut the hell up.

Isn't gossip fun?

This was reported over the weekend by the LA Progressive: When Sarah was lunching with ladies who lunch, the topic of the Democratic primary came up and a waitress overheard Sarah, our dear, plucky, Sarah, say, "Sambo beat the bitch," and laugh and laugh, because it was just that funny.

Of course, no one has verified these rumors, which make them all that much more fun to spread around in my new role as a Republican. Who cares what's true? Hell, if truth was the standard, Mitt and Rudy's speeches would have each been a minute long.

So come on, gang, let's make shit up. It's fun!

Obama gave 60's radical William Ayers plans for a nuclear bomb! And Obama was only eight!

Biden knifed a hooker in Wilmington because she made fun of his hair!

Sarah once swallowed an entire kitten, whole!

John McCain is such a hot head that he scares his GOP colleagues!

Oh, wait, that last one was true.

But what the hell. Come on, everybody, exercise your small town values! Embrace ignorance! Be suspicious of anyone slightly different than you. Be smug and derisive about those dreamers who think they can make the world a better place. Ridicule service, unless it's armed service. Practice the freedom to think and act just like everyone else.

Ignorance! Fear! Suspicion! Meth kitchens and oxycontin! Those are the small town values I'm talkin' about.

I love Sarah!