The stories we missed.

Or tried to miss. Last week we wanted to turn the world's noise down and this is what got through, despite all our efforts.

Two blonde skanks dominate several news cycles.

Larry King kicked Michael Moore and discussion of American healthcare to the curb and landed a full hour with the woman known for ... what exactly? Flashing her cooter like she was one of the Bush twins? What?

And just when we thought we'd seen the last (for now) of bulimic blondes who have contributed exactly zero to humanity, we get Ann Coulter. Why? Because her book has just come out in paper and Regnery Press can't possibly buy up enough copies in bulk to justify her appearance on every news show on every cable channel in every known fucking universe.

Then Elizabeth Edwards gave Ann a smackdown and even more air time making it almost impossible to watch TV without having your eyeballs seared by this vile critter. But she did verify what many have suspected when she told Bill O'Reilly that she was a man. It's true. Look it up.

More Skank News.

Why are the Spice Girls reuniting and why do I know this? I don't want to know this.

Mitt Romney Takes A Family Vacation.


Taking his cue from the Griswolds, Mitt Romney took his family on a 12-hour trip to Ontario with the family dog riding on top of the car. The dog was so freaked that he lost all continence and decorated the back of the family station wagon with poo.

And who wouldn't?

This should win the votes of all the people who support Dick Cheney and his Thanksgiving tradition of eating a puppy.

Dick Cheney declares himself a fourth branch of government.

Speaking of Dick "Dick" Cheney, our Vice President said he wasn't in the Executive Branch because of his duties in the Senate and he wasn't in the Legislative Branch because he was the vice president. So he's an entirely new, extra-Constitutional part of the government, the Execulative Branch, unaccountable to anyone except the Lord of Darkness.

Rich People Bogart Free Speech.

In two rulings in a week full of frightening SCOTUS decisions, the new Roberts Court has decided that if you have enough money to buy TV time, then the First Amendment applies to you. However, if you're a student who unfurls a handmade banner on a public street, you can, in the words of Dick Cheney, go fuck yourself.

And why are the student's First Amendment rights moot? Because, according to the twinkly-eyed Roberts, the "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" banner advocated illegal drug use. So, it was the content of the speech that made this banner verboten. If the student had said, "Handguns 4 Jesus," that would have been OK because handguns are legal and protected by the Second Amendment, but the words bong hits are not protected by anything. Even, apparently, the First Amendment.

If you're a student, you might want to check with Chief Justice Roberts before you write anything. Because your First Amendment rights now only cover what Roberts finds to be acceptable. Good luck.

Immigration Reform Esta Muy Muerta.

The American people, stirred by the eloquence and leadership of President Bush, told him to place immigration reform firmly up his culo.

People Who Watch Fox News Are Misinformed.

I know, this hardly qualifies as news, but it's even worse than we thought. A nonpartisan group found that 80 percent of the people who got their news from Fox believed one or more of these stunningly wrong statements:

1. Iraq was working with Al Qaeda before 9/11

2. WMDs had been found in Iraq

3. World public opinion favored the U.S. invasion of Iraq.

But why are Fox viewers so bone-headed?

It's not that Fox reports stories that aren't true. Well, except when they report that Dick Cheney is a carbon-based life form, but most of the time they do things like this - during the early months of the war, Fox shouted every possible discovery of WMDs but whispered the subsequent story that the WMDs were duds. So it's no wonder that those not paying close attention would miss the follow-up.

Or, if the news isn't exactly the news they want to report, they report something else. When Fox had trouble finding another new-school-in-Iraq story without getting blown up, they quit reporting on the war.

In the first quarter of this year Fox News devoted only 6 percent of their time to the war. And what did they cover instead? What was their top story while everyone else was covering Iraq?

Anna Nicole Smith.

That's right. While most Fox viewers couldn't tell Al Qaeda from Al Kooper, they most likely know the name of Anna's baby's daddy.

Sheds some light on how we got here, doesn't it?

There you are, Planeteers, these are the stories that made it through my week-long screen of ennui.

And people wonder why I drink.