Why We Fight.

We should all be resigned to a long, hard occupation in Iraq. Because if you're not with the program, as my old drill instructor used to say, you'd best get your mind right.

The president has talked vaguely about fighting the terrorists because they hate us for our freedoms, but you should know what kind of freedom we're helping spread in Iraq. Here's a story from the Times of London that gives us a good look at what we're really fighting for.

Just northeast of Baghdad is the Diyala province. Diyala is run by some nice guy Islamists who, much like our own Reverends James Dobson and Pat Robertson, are just trying to bring some clean living to the culture.

Smoke a cigarette? They'll break your fingers.

If you like fruit, you may want to think twice before peeling that banana. You could get stoned, and not in a good way.

Grocers can't even display the nasty fruit because the local religious leaders think a ripe banana looks too much like a schwantz and, I'm guessing, they don't want Iraqi women to be disappointed when they see the real thing.

Grocers are also required to put up a screen between the cucumbers and tomatoes because we can't have those luscious, ripe, round, firm tomatoes getting a glimpse of those rock hard cucumbers, can we.*

Not if we want to keep all our digits, we can't.

The Imams also make farmers cover their goats' nether regions with shorts because, we assume, they can't look at goat hindquarters without thinking of their boyhood days alone in the mountains with nothing but the herd to keep them warm.

Yes, our terrific little crusade is spreading much more than democracy.

We're spreading freedom! Freedom from smoking, freedom from obscene fruit and freedom from salacious goats flaunting their naughty bits in public.

Gee, thanks, President Bush! What a Swell War! What a Great Occupation!

I just hope we get a chance to do it all over again in Iran.

*People in Kansas take note.