One More Reason To Hate Clowns

I don't know what you did for your science fair, but my experiments never made headlines, except for that unfortunate fire which we won't go into here.

In Florida, twelve-year-old Jasmine Roberts has moved beyond the papier-mache and baking soda volcanoes with a science fair project that has reporters lining up for interviews. Her scientific findings?

Fast-food ice contains more bacteria, including E. coli, than toilet water. For those who slept through Biology class, E. coli is a killer that comes from human feces.

I'll let you chew on that for a moment.

"These bacteria don't belong there," said Dr. David Katz, Good Morning America's master of the bleeding obvious. Good thing they got a real live doctor to tell us these things, otherwise we'd think shit-borne bugs are a normal part of a Happy Meal.

Jasmine picked this project because all of her friends chew on ice, and it drives her crazy. When he heard about the idea, Jasmine's older brother said, "You're a strange little kid," proving my scientific hypothesis that older brothers are dicks.

Let us salute Junior Science Geek Jasmine Roberts, a youngster who's given new meaning to the Big Gulp.

But watch your back, kid.

I see a clown lurking in the forsythia.