Thursday, April 20, 2006

Decline in the death rate? I have a few suggestions.


According to this story, more people than ever are refusing to go toward the light. That's not good. Soon, the highways will be clogged with people driving 45 in the left lane with their blinker on. Come on, folks, time to go. Chop chop.

The story says this is an amazing success for American medicine, but I see it as a conspiracy between denture adhesive marketers and the producers of The O'Reilly Factor. Time to cull the herd.

I know several people who should run a bath and plug in the toaster. There's one guy I worked with who is such an evil prick that I've promised to make him a character in every book I write. The fat neo-Nazi pedophile? That's the guy. The businessman who picks up a transvestite hooker and gets used for group water sports? That's him, too. The guy's name is Tom and he's someone we could definitely do without. Come on, Tom. Stand in this puddle and hold these wires. That's right. That's right.

Let's all encourage people to shuffle off and let's get that death toll back up where it belongs. Come on, people, if we work together, we can make the USA number one.

Number one!
Number one!
Number one!

3 comments:

Sandra Ruttan said...

Can't...stop...laugh...ing

Add in a chorus: Die, dammit, die!

James Lincoln Warren said...

All we really need is a really good plague. Bound to happen sooner or later.

Think of how it would imptove L.A. traffic.

M. G. Tarquini said...

Okay. We won't nuke the poultry then.