I have seen the future of fiction.

This new job is like nothing I've ever done before. I've written ad copy for almost 30 years and this is a different critter from the paws up. Instead of talking to millions, these people have carved out a niche by talking to one person at a time.

Here's how it works. You fill out a survey. You check the block that says you like to run. So I write:

"Bob ran into the topless bar."

Your neighbor checks I am in a wheelchair, and he would get:

"Bob wheeled his crippled ass into the topless bar."

Or something like that. I'm still working on my style.

Now, we've all whined about the death of the novel, how people just don't read the way they used to, blah blah blah, and I think it's time we shut the fuck up and start looking for new ways to connect. It's time we gave our tired old tits a lift with the help of targeted marketing.

Here's how this new new technology could work in crime fiction. You have readers fill out preference surveys. Everyone who checked Loves firearms, would read:

"Adam whipped out his Colt 1911A1, the famous .45 caliber semiauto designed by John Browning, a pistol that fires slugs the size of a small car at a subsonic 840 feet per second and hits bad guys with a force of seven tons per square inch."

Everyone who checked Loves fruit, would read:

"Adam whipped out his banana."

And for those who checked Loves porn, the line would read:

"Adam whipped out his schvantz."

That was for those who checked Yiddish porn.

Like I said, I'm still working on my style.