Sunday, May 21, 2006
What did you make for your eigth grade project?
The kid up there with the kayak is my neighbor, Benjamin, a great kid, greatly admired by all who know him, except for the poor bastards like these girls who share a class with him.
Benjamin and his brother Joseph will run the world some day. We might as well just hand over the keys.
These boys are the ones who fuck up the curve and consign your kids to fighting over who's in charge of the deep fryer. Benjamin is not only building this kayak, he's also put together a PowerPoint presentation illustrating every phase of construction. He's young, so I won't hold the PowerPoint against him (what? was there no film in the 16mm?), but imagine, for a moment, having your avocado sprout suspended by toothpicks on the rim of the glass, your foam-core and construction paper presentation accordioned behind it, scrawled with all the facts about photosynthesis you cadged from Brittanica, and you look over and there's Benjamin with his fucking kayak.
This is why they don't allow firearms in school.
When I was in school I cut the bottom from a jar, suspended two tiny balloons inside, closed up the bottom of the jar with a balloon membrane so that when you pulled it down, the small balloons expanded. See! That's how your diaphragm inflates your lungs! Isn't that exciting? See, you pull down on this and inside your chest...hey, what's that? Is that Benjamin? Is that a fucking kayak?
Just shoot me. Really, just shoot me now.
Congratulations, Benjamin. This is amazing.
When he grows up, maybe he'll lend me a few bucks.