Sunday, May 21, 2006

What did you make for your eigth grade project?

The kid up there with the kayak is my neighbor, Benjamin, a great kid, greatly admired by all who know him, except for the poor bastards like these girls who share a class with him.

Benjamin and his brother Joseph will run the world some day. We might as well just hand over the keys.

These boys are the ones who fuck up the curve and consign your kids to fighting over who's in charge of the deep fryer. Benjamin is not only building this kayak, he's also put together a PowerPoint presentation illustrating every phase of construction. He's young, so I won't hold the PowerPoint against him (what? was there no film in the 16mm?), but imagine, for a moment, having your avocado sprout suspended by toothpicks on the rim of the glass, your foam-core and construction paper presentation accordioned behind it, scrawled with all the facts about photosynthesis you cadged from Brittanica, and you look over and there's Benjamin with his fucking kayak.

This is why they don't allow firearms in school.

When I was in school I cut the bottom from a jar, suspended two tiny balloons inside, closed up the bottom of the jar with a balloon membrane so that when you pulled it down, the small balloons expanded. See! That's how your diaphragm inflates your lungs! Isn't that exciting? See, you pull down on this and inside your chest...hey, what's that? Is that Benjamin? Is that a fucking kayak?

Just shoot me. Really, just shoot me now.

Congratulations, Benjamin. This is amazing.

When he grows up, maybe he'll lend me a few bucks.


Sandra Ruttan said...

LOL David! Damn, you've got to hate a kid with ambition! Nerd.

Andrea at Lochthyme said...

There's always one in a crowd. When I was in eight grade I showed the difference of seeds sprouding in sunlight, in darkness etc. No kayak for me. I couldn't even build a bleeping kayak today.

Duane Swierczynski said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Duane Swierczynski said...

What's so impressive about a kayak? Once that volcano kicks into high gear, that kayak will be reduced to flaming embers. And did you ever try to kayak away from molten lava? It's tougher than you think.

Stacey Cochran said...

Me and a couple buddies in high school made a "boat" out of a couple sheets of plywood.

It worked really well as long as you didn't get it anywhere near water.

That's one hell of a nice looking kayak.


Stephen Blackmoore said...

When I was in 8th grade I wanted to make shaped charges out of coke bottles and homemade plastic explosives. My dad was all for it. Gave me the instructions and everything, but my mom kind of shot that one down.

It explains a lot really.

Ted Baker said...

8th grade? I was still stuggling at making my bed.

Karen Olson said...

Who really made that kayak? In my seventh grade science fair, I entered my little Indonesian hut, made from actual twigs and grass found in my very own back yard. When I was pointed to the spot where I had to put my little hut, I saw that RIGHT NEXT TO IT was the famed Taj Mahal made out of sugar cubes. Even my naive, 12 year old brain went, WTF?

David Terrenoire said...


Maybe you're right. I think he hired a few dozen Mexicans to build this thing.