You've probably heard that last Monday Chief Justice John Roberts grabbed his head, fell down and emitted great quantities of blue cranial smoke.
OK, I'm lying about the smoke.
But he did have some sort of seizure. Nothing to worry about we're told, even though he's now receiving intergalactic orders telling him to steal the fruit from Justice Breyer's Jello.
So I was naively prepared to ignore the seizure until I read about Michael Weiner's suspicion that something was amiss. (That's Mr. Weiner up there hawking herbs you wouldn't want to smoke and books, I suspect, you wouldn't want to read.) Mr. Weiner is convinced that Roberts' falling down was NO ACCIDENT!
It was caused by a Death Ray wielded by Chuck Schumer (D-Space) that caused the Chief Justice's mighty judicial headbone to crackle like Jacob's ladder.
But how would an ex herb dealer know about a secret Democratic Death Ray? Because Michael Weiner changed his name to Michael Savage (grrr) and got himself on the radio, giving him the power to speculate amd today, buoyed by the Weiner-proclaimed benefits of a coffee enema, Michael Weiner-Savage digs down deep and dishes up the truth to dozens of listeners like this one every day.
And this week, Michael challenged his listeners to embrace the ugly truth. In what can only be described as a masterwork of rhetorical reasoning, he said:
"[Roberts'] was in some way tampered with by the Democrats. You're telling me there's no possibility of a conspiracy by the Democrats to have caused this seizure in some manner? Tell me it's not possible, and I'll tell you you're a liar."
But maybe there's no Democratic Death Ray at all. Maybe Chuck Schumer (D-Brainville) is causing seizures on Capitol Hill through nothing more than the power of his mind.
Wouldn't that be like the coolest superpower ever? Who wouldn't want to psychokinetically sucker-punch a traffic cop or make an in-law drop in a froth?
Think of the possibilities.
Boss wants you to work late? Before he could say Storage Room B, he'd be twitching on the carpet.
Driver flips you off in traffic? Fry his synapses with a psychic snap that sends him careening off the highway at 65 MPH.
Tired of hearing chickenhawks like Weiner-Savage bloviate over the GWOT? Drop that jerk faster than sweat pants in July.
Considering the Weiner's intellectual capacity, I don't think it would take much more than a tiny pulse of mental energy. In fact, you could probably fry the Weiner, watch America's Got Talent and balance your checkbook all at the same time.
1 comment:
"[Roberts'] was in some way tampered with by the Democrats. You're telling me there's no possibility of a conspiracy by the Democrats to have caused this seizure in some manner? Tell me it's not possible, and I'll tell you you're a liar."
Yes, Mr. Savage, there is a possibility the Democrats have tampered with Chief Justice Roberts' brain.
There is also a possibility I will have wild, freaky, possibly orgasmically fatal (in a good way) sex with Shirley Manson, the lead singer of Garbage.
That is a possibility of my gleefully succumbing to satiate Ms. Manson's need to screw the life force from me, Mr. Savage, but I'm a little more confident in my Megamillions and Powerball investments.
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