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I've known that freaky behavior is not the sole province of the GOP, no matter how often Republican leaders are caught with their pants down. But who knew that proof of such exceptional Democratic deviance would raise its horned brow right here at home?

The news is, some low level functionary of the Durham Democratic party is accused of beating a man in a dog cage and raping a woman, all in the interest of serving Satan.

Wow. That makes Mark Foley of the intern scandal look like a Boy Scout leader. OK, maybe that wasn't quite the innocent simile I was looking for.

But back to the Democratic freak show. Police say Joseph Scott Craig, his wife and another woman were all caught up in the Satanic hi-jinx.

The story itself is a treasure of wonderful quotes like this:

"The Durham Democratic Party is a volunteer organization," said Kevin Farmer, chairman of the organization. "I'm not a professional. I'm not equipped to deal with this. I bake bread for a living."

But the most entertaining outrage comes from Satan himself, through his earthly representatives.

"Essentially we're an atheistic religion that uses Satan as a metaphor ... in the Miltonian sense," Magistra Ygraine Mitchell said. You would think that any immoral, illegal or fattening behavior would be embraced by the Prince of Darkness, but you would be wrong. "When people break the law in the name of Satan or the devil, we get very angry." Grrr.

According to the News & Observer, the Satanic church lists 9 things The Beast considers sinful.

1. Stupidity

2. Pretentiousness

3. Solipsism (or the belief that nothing exists outside of your own noggin)

4. Self-deceit (as in, those pants do not make you look fat)

5. Herd conformity (see iPod)

6. Lack of perspective (see #5)

7. Forgetfulness of past orthodoxies (like what wine goes with what flesh)

8. Counterproductive pride (as opposed to productive pride)

9. Lack of aesthetics (see Thomas Kinkade)

Mitchell added that the church does not condone illegal acts. "We police our own and do not indulge in the irresponsible Christian notion of forgiveness."

So take that, sinners. Fuck forgiveness.

I think this story about Democratic ill deeds is the perfect welcome for the 4th. You know, fair play and all that.

So, Happy Brithday America and Happy Independence Day to the Planet's regular readers. Try not to blow off anything you'll want to use again.

We'll see you Monday.