News from the Heartland.

Let's check in with the liberal media and see what's making news.

This just in from the New York Times, the voice of the Godless coastal elites.

We start with a story about White House press secretary Tony Snow, wowing 'em in the red states.

“Yesterday,” Mr. Snow declared, “I was in the Oval Office with the president ——”
He cut himself off, took a perfectly calibrated three-second pause and switched into an aw-shucks voice for dramatic effect: “I just looove saying that! Yeaaah, I was in the Oval Office. Just meeee and the president. Nooooobody else.”

The crowd lapped it up.

The Times goes on to report on Tony Snow's "star power" and quotes Karl Rove as saying, “It’s like Mick Jagger at a rock concert.”

But what raised the eyebrows of The Planet was this bit of reportage, told without a hint of skepticism. Tony Snow described his boss, George W. Bush, the guy who can't pronouce nuclear or put together a simple declarative sentence without mangling the language, this way: “He reminds me of one of those guys at the gym who plays about 40 chessboards at once.”

Uh, yeah, Tony. What gym do you go to, anyway, The Mensa Genius Gymnasium where they discuss particle physics in between the ab crunches and the squat thrusts?

It's amazing how a professional TV guy like Tony can enunciate so clearly with his lips puckered up against the president's backside like that.

Next, we turn to the Times' breathless coverage of a Cheney love-fest in Kansas.

Breaking news! A six-year-old girl is obsessed with Dick. “I really, really like him,” says Grace, who can tell you all sorts of VP-related trivia from facts she learned by visiting the White House Web site for children. Apparently, they've taken down the video of Dick eating puppies.

The retarded child's mother said Dick was “Like a rock star coming to town.” What is this fixation the Republicans have with rock stars?

The story goes on to talk about the fund-raising in the red states and includes this sentence, and I swear this is from the New York Times and that I am not making this up:

"And he reaps a full helping of love."

If you didn't gag a little bit just now, then you having a stronger stomach than I do.

Here's another sentence, chock full of sloppy kisses from the Times:

"And a big Kansas welcome he gets: cheers, sustained applause, even some war whoops — yes, war whoops. Loving ones."

But The Times tries to be even-handed, after all. They include this about our main man, Big Dick.

"Even admirers who laud his intellect and steadiness rarely mention anything about his electrifying rooms or people."

Now that's Fair and Balanced reporting, people. Eat your heart out Fox News.

“It’s just such a big thrill to see and hear this man,” says Marvin Smith, a farmer and former teacher. Mr. Smith says most people he knows feel the same way, “except for a few of those peacemakers.”

Damn those peacemakers! Getting all Jesusy on us when we're giving out our loving war whoops to the Big Dick. Peacemakers, pah, who needs 'em?

So, that's the news from the big huggable American heartland, boys and girls, as reported in the liberal New York Times.

And you wonder why I drink.