The answer, of course, is that they don't. Not really. But to convince the mouth-breathers in Virginia that James Webb is a sex-obsessed misogynist his opponent, George Allen, says certain passages from Webb's novels give him the vapors.
This from a manly man whose executive experience consists primarily of being a tackling dummy for some football team I'm too lazy to look up on the Google.
Not that Mr. Football has read Jim Webb's books, but he's read enough to know he doesn't like them. He says they demean women. It seems the only fiction Allen embraces is the Bush foreign policy.
If you're not familiar with James Webb, he's a real lefty moonbat. He's an Annapolis grad, a former Marine officer, served as Secretary of the Navy under Reagan and he writes novels based on his combat experience in the Vietnam war. So it's no wonder that Mr. Football and the other chickenhawks of the GOP don't get it.
But we all know that they do get it. They just hope there are enough stupid people in Virginia that don't get it so Mr. Football can return his punk ass to the Senate.
Mr. Football's ally in this appeal to the influential Stupid Wing of the GOP is the deeply closeted fedora fondler, Matt Drudge, a guy whose journalistic integrity makes the National Enquirer look like the Christian Science Monitor.
In hushed tones of feigned outrage, Mr. Football's staff say that the excerpts taken from Webb's novels "reflect poorly on Webb's character and fitness for office."
Pesky people who actually read have had the bad manners to mention a book written by Mr. Football's sister, a woman who described her brother as a physically abusive jerk, and Lynn Cheney's notorious foray into fiction, "Sisters" that reportedly sports graphic scenes of lesbian lust. I haven't read Cheney's book, I admit, but based on that report I'm looking forward to the movie.
In an interview on CNN, Cheney said Webb was "full of baloney." I love that. When was the last time you heard someone say a guy was full of baloney? 1956? She also denied that she wrote anything sexual in "Sisters" because she knew that no one had actually read her book. It's so out of print, not even the Washington Post could find a copy.
Mr. Football added that his sister's book was a "novelization" whatever the hell that means, and that he was sad that the campaign had deteriorated into "...negative personal attacks and baseless allegations ..." He then said that Jim Webb was a baby killer.
One of Webb's people responded to Mr. Football, "Perhaps if you had gone to Vietnam and served as a company commander instead of serving as a driver at a dude ranch, you would temper your feigned indignation."
Even John Grisham chimed in. "This is a clear sign of a desperate campaign if they plow through novels trying to find evidence of character. I seriously doubt George Allen is much of a reader, but if he would read more, maybe he would understand the difference between fiction and nonfiction."
John McCain had praised Webb and his novels before but now that he's kissing as much GOP ass as he can in his bid for the White House, he was, for the first time in memory, unavailable for comment.
So be careful what you write, boys and girls, if you have any aspirations to high office. Myself, I'm burning my book and this blog.
Because I'm happy to announce that I'm forming an exploratory committee to assess the viability of a run for the presidency in 2008.
Donations are encouraged and the ambassador's post to Tahiti is now up for bid.