Tuesday, October 07, 2008

How can I get this job, part 2.

This is Richard Morris, but everyone calls him Dick. You'll see why in a minute.

Dick came to public attention during the Clinton years. A hooker said that Dick was one of her regular customers and that he liked to suck her toes.

I'm sorry. That's more information than we should know about anyone.

Especially Dick.

Dick Morris goes on Fox talk shows and lets his wisdom spew forth like a wino after a bad burrito. To Fox News viewers he's known as a political analyst. To the sane world he's known as a bloated, overpaid buffoon.

And I want his job.

To get a better idea of the standards a Fox News political analyst has to meet, read Glenn Greenwald over at Salon. He caught Dick in this revealing tale of true dickocity.

Here's Dick talking to Bill O'Reilly about John McCain's decision to suspend his campaign, fly back to Washington and save the day like Mighty Mouse, only older and crankier:

"...it's the most brilliant move since Sarah Palin...He's going to solve the problem, because the key is the bailout's going to pass. And [McCain's] going to get credit for it."
That was on September 24th. Two days later he told Newsmax:

"...This bold move by McCain is about to work. Big time."
Today in the NY Post he says:

"...John McCain's effort to get involved in the solution only hurt him. By suspending his campaign and heading to Washington, McCain made himself a central actor in the unpopular outrage."

So I want this job. How do I fashion myself a pundit? It's got to pay better than writing. And wouldn't it be cool to flack my next novel on The Factor? Maybe Bill would feature it with his Factor Gear, alongside the pleated Factor Pants.

So what do I have to do? Where do I sign?

From what we know about Dick (and Bill), you can have the morals of a three-peckered goat and still be a political analyst at Fox News. You can pontificate, bloviate and prevaricate, without ever having the burden of being right. Just look at Bill Kristol.

Folks, this is my dream job. I'd be perfect. I've been writing fiction for years. So, I have to know, how does one get an analyst gig at Fox and appear alongside the Really Deep Thinkers like Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity and Steve Doocy?

I bet it helps if you're really a Dick.


eviljwinter said...

Well, first, Dave, you have to be able to spew bullshit from your mouth without actually making yourself sick.

And it can work. Just today, a coworker took me to task for not believing there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq or terrorist training camps there while Sadaam was in power.

Silly me for believing that leftist Pentagon, CIA, FBI, Richard Clarke, most former members of the Bush Administration.

David Terrenoire said...


We know that Saddam had WMD before the first Gulf War because we have the receipts.