Tuesday, September 12, 2006

True Story

I was in a bar.

Shocking, I know, but true. It was the Blue Bayou in Hillsboro, my home place. Last year the owner, Gary Lee, asked what I had to do to get the New York Times to review Beneath A Panamanian Moon.

I said, "I don't know, Gary, but I probably have to blow somebody."

Gary thought a minute and said, "Can it be anybody?"

Which brings me to Ann Coulter and how she gets on the Times bestseller list.

See, Ann is the protege of Richard Mellon Scaife, a billionaire who made his money the old-fashioned way - he inherited it. Scaife is so far to the right, and so rich, he can create his own little Goebbels-like meat puppets and Ann is one of his most successful creations, if you don't count the Adams apple.

When Ann first started writing her hardback polemics, Regnery press published them and Scaife bought 'em by the truckload in numbers so huge they instantly catapulted Ann to the top of the NYT list. Of course, there was a tiny dagger, smaller than Ann's heart, next to the title indicating bulk sales.

But who really looks at those little daggers? Nobody.

This allowed Sean Hannity and other media whores to book Ann for their shows because she was a best-selling author (and to be fair, she was entertaining in a psycho killer clown kind of way) and that would generate real book sales until Ann was truly a best-selling author giving her access to more TV to sell more books. Brilliant.

So, if we were to deconstruct this strategy, one could say that the smartest thing to ever come out of Ann's mouth was Richard Mellon Scaife's dick. One could say that.

Which would make my original story truer than ever. You might have to blow somebody to get in the Times, but it can't be just anybody.

Ask Ann, she knows.


Steve Ordog said...

As Ann would say: "You are a member of the GODLESS liberals whose state religion is Liberalism and whose priests are public school teachers who are inculcating our young into GODLESSness!" You evil, evil, awful, awful, liberal you! :-)

I caught her on Book TV speaking at the Claire Booth Luce Institute recently about her book. Very entertaining. A veritable school of cheap rhetorical tricks and whacky logic.

Jeff Shelby said...

Can't. Stop. Laughing....

Brett Battles said...

David, you have a way of getting to the bottomline. When you come up with that list of exactly who...perhaps you should pass it around.

Sara said...

You would think that, you commie freak. Why do you hate your country? Seriously, I did not know this, thank you for an awesome, enlightening, post.

JD Rhoades said...

Fortunately, the Coultergeist's career seems to be in steep decline. If there's any justice, she'll soon be coming up to people on street corners and asking to squeegee their windshields for loose change.

Beneath the Carolina Moon said...

Other day I was called a "white winged liberalist". I want to know what that is. I always wondered if Coulter had breasts or man tits. You answer neither question, but confirm that my thoughts aren't a reflection of my insanity. Thanks!


secretdeadartist said...

You give great dagger(s) Dave.

Michelle Wylie said...

Uncle David,

That's funny you mentioned Ann Coulter. I was thinking of applying for a job as her assistant. Then I could link you up with the guy with the New York Times. I was laughing at your post, but deep down I was upset.

You can't tell me that you don't find her amusing? Is it the fact that she's witty? Or that she possibly does have man tits? I don't know. I like her, I read her books. I have to, it's the Republican's duty to read Ann Coulter. I went to a meeting of the Republican Women of Tennessee, and you had to take an oath to read her books. No, I didn't really...but I wouldn't be shocked if that was the case.

I do wonder sometimes though, at how many times she could wrap her long legs around someone's head....what can I say...I work with a bunch of dudes.