Sunday, September 17, 2006

Worst. Profile. Ever.

Chris Harrington, fellow traveler and finder of obscurities like this, sent his one line assessment along with a link.

"Perhaps the most annoying author bio I’ve ever read."

I know first hand how hard it is to write these puffy things without sounding like an idiot so, out of empathy and charity, I've changed the name. Here, without any other editing, is this writer's self-penned profile:

Jane Doe is a student of the human condition, wielding the written craft to enrapture the mind much like an artist wields a brush. Her pages are a canvas reflecting an imaginary life in real time. A talent heralded by many and matched only by creativity that rises to the task. [Title] is the first in a series of books encapsulating life through humor, fear, wit, anger, vengeance, intellect and perhaps reality. Climb aboard and follow Jane as she provides new and innovative circumstances of life for us.

Wow. Wielding the written craft to enrapture the mind. Damn, that's impressive. But not half as impressive as this sample bit of dialogue from this opus of humor, wit, anger, vengeance, intellect and, perhaps, reality:

"You can never bridge the gap between my intelligence and your ignorance, Ted! No matter how smart your conceit lets you think you are. I will always be three steps ahead of you!"

Eat your hearts out, Planeteers. Eat your hearts out.

And in keeping with today's literary posting, loyal reader Ted Baker sends us these links from the always funny Onion.

Ghostwriter Taking A Few Creative Liberties With Paul Reiser's Life
Author Too Much Of A Pussy To Kill Off Characters



anne frasier said...

that was painful.

secretdeadartist said...

"Imaginary life in real time." I like that part. Taken out of context it can be used to describe a lot of people.

learjeff said...

Wow. Excellence abounds. That exceeds even my extroardinary ability to torture text. Writing like that should be banned by the Geneva convention.

Jeff Shelby said...

I was certain that the second item was about me...