Saturday, March 25, 2006

Barbara Bush Donates Hurricane Relief Money...To Neil Bush.

I saw this news about Barbara Bush giving money to hurricane relief on the condition that it be spent on her son's company and thought...


Neil's company is an educational software firm called Ignite!, with an exclamation point because that means it's exciting. Really exciting!! Like using three or four means really, really, really exciting!!! Ignite!

Being a Bush son has to be one of the cushiest gigs on the planet. But most people don't know much about Neil, overshadowed by his more famous brothers, George and Jeb. So let's get to know Neil Bush, son of George HW and Barbara, instilled with the values we've come to know and love from America's reigning dynasty.

Neil's business acumen is eerily similar to his brother George's. Yet, even though every business the Bush boys touch goes toes up, they both have the remarkable luck to dance away unscathed, their pockets stuffed with cash. Nice.

And when you're a Bush, the sweet business deals just keep rolling in. In 2002, Neil signed a consulting contract with Grace Semiconductor that required him to attend board meetings and discuss "strategies." His remuneration for this heavy lifting? $2 million, plus $10,000 for every board meeting he attends.

Which could present a scheduling conflict because Neil is already co-chairman of a Texas company called Crest Investment. Crest pays him $60,000 a year to provide miscellaneous consulting services such as "...answering phone calls."

Of course, all of Neil's failures are small change compared to the spectacular crash and burn of Silverado Savings and Loan. That cost taxpayers $1 billion. Bush said his problems were the result of "self-serving regulators" who were picking on him because of his name. Later, he testified to the House Banking Committee that some of his deals might look "a little fishy." Like Moby Dick is a little fishy.

But, like good Texas cowboys, 41's friends rode to the rescue. One guy even ponied up for Neil's legal bills. What a guy!

Another rich cowpoke, Louis Marx, heir to the toy empire, gave Neil a few million to start Apex Energy. Neil invested $3000 of his own money and paid himself a salary of $160,000. Within two years, Neil had driven this one into the ditch, too. Bush got $300,000 and Marx got paid in Monopoly money, even more stinging as Monopoly is by rival toy maker, Parker Brothers. Damn.

Arising from the ashes of Apex, Bush was immediately hired by another of 41's rich friends, Bill Daniels, who paid him $60,000. The multimedia company's president said at the time, "I'm trying to find a title for him."

That brings us to Bar's latest charity, Ignite! Neil started this company with little more than a dream, pluck and 23 million dollars from his parents and close friends from places like the United Arab Emirates. Ignite! also entered into a Mexican partnership that made it possible for Neil to lay off half of their US employees and ship their jobs south of the border. "That's turned out great!!!" said Ken Leonard, president of Ignite! Bush gets $180,000 a year! His US employees get $400 a week unemployment! Adios, muchachos!

But what about Neil's personal life? That too is pretty sweet. A few years ago, Neil was sitting in a Thai hotel room, wondering how to get SpectraVision without the titles showing up on the bill, when a beautiful young Thai woman knocked on his door, came in and had sex with him. Wow! No wonder he needs exclamation points! I'd use them too if my life was this exciting!

Later, Neil told his wife of 22 years that there weren't enough exclamation points in their marriage and he wanted a divorce. He gave her the news via email. The divorce case then entertained America with stories of underage Thai hookers, voodoo, and paternity tests. Terrific!

Sharon, 51, learned that her husband had been canoodling with Maria Andrews, a woman who worked for first mom, Barbara Bush. Andrews is the divorced mother of three children. Sharon asked for a paternity test for the youngest tyke because she thought the boy just might be an errant shrub. The world still awaits word of a dark horse future president.

The voodoo charge came when Sharon stole some of Neil's hair. She claims she wanted to test it for drugs, but we know the Bush boys don't do drugs, so then it must be voodoo. Neil even told his lawyer to say that Neil didn't do drugs. So that answers that!

Today, Neil divides his time between his Texas home and his other home in (gasp) Paris.

And thanks to Bar, Neil just sucked up more tax-deductible cash. Ca-ching! What a great family. If you're a Bush, no matter how much you screw up - in business, in your personal life, even in war - you always come out golden.

Thanks Mom! Thanks Dad! Being a Bush boy is sweet!


Olen Steinhauer said...

How come there are no comments here??? I was traveling so that's my excuse for visiting late.

Great post, had me in stitches.

Congrats on the gumshoe.

David Terrenoire said...

Thanks, Olen.

I've come to expect no comments on political things, so that's OK. I'm very happy you enjoyed this because I didn't have to make up a thing. This family is just rich in outrageous behavior.