Somewhere in Wales lives a hamster with a permanently puckered sphincter. His name is Mike and he narrowly escaped being mulched into a sticky paste of rodent goo by a monster machine built to tear washers and stoves into mangled little bits of twisted scrap.
The little guy stowed away on a pallet of trash that was fed into a giant shredder. There our plucky hero survived the Rotating Blades of Death and a Spinning Drum of Instant Abrasion before he was discovered by the staff, who to a man said, "Fuckin' eh." They named him Mike because Lucky Goddamn Fuzzy-Assed Little Bastard wouldn't fit on his collar.
The ordeal lasted around four minutes, which is six and a half years in terrorized hamster time, and left the rodent with nothing more than a sore foot and a nervous tic. He now lives with 10-year-old Liam Bull, whose father Craig works in the recycling plant.
"I can't believe he's still alive after what happened, but he's doing fine now," Liam said, "except for the explosive incontinence every time someone slams a car door."
To get an idea what Mike went through, go here and check out stuff (a BMW!) getting pulled in and pulverized by one of these machines from hell. As one viewer said, it's oddly satisfying.
To everyone but Mike, I'm sure.
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