Monday, June 05, 2006

Queer Eye For The Cynical Guy.

What's that smell? Since this is an election year, and the president's poll numbers show he's less popular than chlamydia at a No-Nonsense convention, that aroma wafting across the South Lawn must be the stink of cynical desperation.

Karl Rove is pushing Bush out into sunlight today so Bush can call for a Constitutional Amendment banning gay marriage, even though he knows it has as much chance of passing as my favorite bill, The Free Doobie In Every Lunchbox Act of 2006.

Yet, there he'll be, rallying his mouth-breathing religious base, promising to protect "the sanctity of marriage" and the "sacred union between a man and a woman."

I have a clue for you George, if Newt Gingrich, Bill Clinton, and Rush Limbaugh haven't destroyed the sanctity of marriage, I don't think two decorators in Georgetown are a threat.

There are so many things wrong with this, I don't know where to start. But how about we begin with gay sex? People like Rick "man on dog" Santorum and the 70-year-old James Dobson think about gay sex more than anyone except gay men, and that's A LOT. They seem to be obsessed with gay sex and roll around in their public disgust until I suspect there's something more going on here. And I think I know what it is.

It's not gay sex. It's sex.

The same people obsessed with gay sex are also obsessed with teen sex, phone sex, video sex, solitary sex, latex, vibrators, sex with friends, sex with strangers, and just about any sex where there aren't tears and vomiting involved. These people can't stand the thought that someone, somewhere is getting righteously laid on a howlingly satisfying basis.

Now, don't get me wrong, the only time I'd be rooting around in Jake Gylenhaal's jeans is if I found him comatose in a ditch and I was rifling his pockets, searching for his sister's phone number (and if you saw Maggie in Secretary, you know what I'm talking about), but this fixation with gay sex seems a bit suspect, and taking a stand against marriage is a real mystery.

The right says that homosexuality isn't natural, well, I got news for you, buddy, neither is monogamy. They say it's outlawed in The Bible and yeah, there's a lot of crap in The Bible we gloss over in 21st Century America, including divorce, shellfish and slavery. They say homosexuality can be cured. I say, let's cure bigotry first and we'll work our way up from there.

How about this simple rule? You don't like homosexual marriage? Then don't marry one.

So today, as Bush backs his anti-marriage amendment, you can think about the naked cynicism involved, or you can do what I'm going to do.

I'm going to think about sex.

And if Maggie Gylenhaal's naked derriere pops into my head, that'll be between me and Jesus.


Jim Winter said...

"So today, as Bush backs his marriage amendment, you can think about the naked cynicism involved, or you can do what I'm going to do."

Is that the smell of lame duck spoiling in the hot, hot sun?

I believe it is.

Frankly, I'm surprised gay marriage is being trotted out again, since it got old really fast last time out.

But then I guess the immigration debate fizzled everywhere but on LOU DOBBS TONIGHT, and until troops start making like Hawkeye and BJ on the last episode of MASH, Iraq's not going to be much to brag about.

And Iran? I suspect something will happen there soon, but it will be so massively anticlimactic (like Khameni is hit by a bus and suddenly the guy who was supposed to get his job takes over. "Yeah, guys, this nuke thing's a bad idea. And President Mo's an idiot. What were we thinking? You sure you guys want all those hybrids and fuel cells?")

Sort of reminds me of...

Hey! Reminds me of the Democrats in the early 1990's!

Isn't it fun watching a major party choke? I'd love to see them both in bankruptcy court by 2010, but we all know Utopia is fiction.

David Terrenoire said...


No one takes a back seat to me in recognizing the ineptitude and yes, cynicism of the Democratic party. But nowhere in my memory can I recall the modern Democratic party proposing an amendament to the Constitution that would enshrine discrimination and deny a large number of Americans equal protection and equal rights under the law.

Inept, yes. Cynical, of course. But evil? No, that's today's GOP.

Thanks, Mr. Rove! Thanks Mr. Bush! for making the choice so clear.

John R. said...

Dude! You're picturing Maggie Gylenhaal's naked ass between you and Jesus, like some kind of bizarre porno-theic threesome?


David Terrenoire said...

Hmm, I hadn't thought of a threesome with Maggie Gylenhaal and Jesus. John, I don't know which of us is going to hell quicker, but I'm comforted to know what kind of entertaining company I'll have when I'm there.

Sandra Ruttan said...

I swear to God, someone said to me, "Well sex is all those gay people think about and talk about anyway," and I really wished I was a guy, because I could have smacked them.

I'm 35 and female. Just think about that for a minute, and then ask what I think about when I'm not working.

As though my blog doesn't clue you in.

Oh, and Canada recognized polygamy, so we're more Biblical than you. I'm happy to have two husbands if they both support me financially.

David Terrenoire said...


My daughter just moved back in with us and I'm considering that whole selling her into slavery option because we could use the money, but that polygamy stuff looks appealing too, if I could just convince my wife to work and support me and Maggie Gylenhaal.

Oh, and Jesus.

Nice new Spinetingler, by the way. Sorry I haven't been as attentive as I should be, but if you start complaining about that you'll have to stand in line.

JD Rhoades said...

This is going to be as big a failure for Bush as his Social Security "reform". Just point that out to people, including the "base."

Another. Bush. Failure.

Who's he going to blame? Congress? They're controlled by the Republicans.

Stephen Blackmoore said...

"Hmm, I hadn't thought of a threesome with Maggie Gylenhaal and Jesus."

I had no idea Jesus liked to be spanked. But hey, whatever turns on the Savior.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Stephen, you've given me an idea for a short story...

David, no worries on the lack of attention front. And thanks re: Spinetingler. We survived another one, barely.

Patrick Shawn Bagley said...

"How about this simple rule? You don't like homosexual marriage? Then don't marry one."

I love it when the Christian Civic League of Maine tries to convince me that if the state grants gay people the right to marry, it will somehow destroy the relationship my wife and I have built over nineteen years. Unless one of us has been in the closet all these years, I just don't see it happening.

Like Maine congressman Tom Allen said yesterday, I think we're looking at election-year politics. The republicans know they won't get enough votes to move the bill, but they still have to show the evangelicals who hijacked the GOP that their conservative credentials are intact. Gotta get that Jesus vote.

I'm pleased that all four members of Maine congressional delegation have come out (pun intended) against the bill. That's two democrats and two republicans. Though Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins are saying the whole thing is a waste of time instead of denouncing it as an attempt to institutionalize discrimination and favor one religion over others.

Steve Ordog said...

“First, they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out because I was not a socialist. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist. Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew. Then they came for me, and there was no one left to speak for me.” - Martin Niemöller
I think that I would like to see someone I could vote for who would speak for the minority and respect their rights. I did not have that choice in the last election. I could choose between a candidate who wanted to "defend marriage" and one who would mealy mouth about the issue because it was clear that the majority of Americans believe in stomping on the minority.

Dean said...

Hey, if come to a fork in the road, and one fork contains Jesus and the other contains Maggie G's naked fundament, you know where I'm heading.