Monday, June 05, 2006
Queer Eye For The Cynical Guy.
What's that smell? Since this is an election year, and the president's poll numbers show he's less popular than chlamydia at a No-Nonsense convention, that aroma wafting across the South Lawn must be the stink of cynical desperation.
Karl Rove is pushing Bush out into sunlight today so Bush can call for a Constitutional Amendment banning gay marriage, even though he knows it has as much chance of passing as my favorite bill, The Free Doobie In Every Lunchbox Act of 2006.
Yet, there he'll be, rallying his mouth-breathing religious base, promising to protect "the sanctity of marriage" and the "sacred union between a man and a woman."
I have a clue for you George, if Newt Gingrich, Bill Clinton, and Rush Limbaugh haven't destroyed the sanctity of marriage, I don't think two decorators in Georgetown are a threat.
There are so many things wrong with this, I don't know where to start. But how about we begin with gay sex? People like Rick "man on dog" Santorum and the 70-year-old James Dobson think about gay sex more than anyone except gay men, and that's A LOT. They seem to be obsessed with gay sex and roll around in their public disgust until I suspect there's something more going on here. And I think I know what it is.
It's not gay sex. It's sex.
The same people obsessed with gay sex are also obsessed with teen sex, phone sex, video sex, solitary sex, latex, vibrators, sex with friends, sex with strangers, and just about any sex where there aren't tears and vomiting involved. These people can't stand the thought that someone, somewhere is getting righteously laid on a howlingly satisfying basis.
Now, don't get me wrong, the only time I'd be rooting around in Jake Gylenhaal's jeans is if I found him comatose in a ditch and I was rifling his pockets, searching for his sister's phone number (and if you saw Maggie in Secretary, you know what I'm talking about), but this fixation with gay sex seems a bit suspect, and taking a stand against marriage is a real mystery.
The right says that homosexuality isn't natural, well, I got news for you, buddy, neither is monogamy. They say it's outlawed in The Bible and yeah, there's a lot of crap in The Bible we gloss over in 21st Century America, including divorce, shellfish and slavery. They say homosexuality can be cured. I say, let's cure bigotry first and we'll work our way up from there.
How about this simple rule? You don't like homosexual marriage? Then don't marry one.
So today, as Bush backs his anti-marriage amendment, you can think about the naked cynicism involved, or you can do what I'm going to do.
I'm going to think about sex.
And if Maggie Gylenhaal's naked derriere pops into my head, that'll be between me and Jesus.