Thursday, June 22, 2006

Let Us Lift Our Gaze...

...and focus on Salma Hayek's breasts.

(I had a great picture of Salma's breasts ready for upload, but blogger said bollocks to that. What is it with blogger and image uploads lately? Fucking free blogspot POS.)

But back to Salma's breasts. This isn't just any story about those beamers of love, boys and girls, this is about the power of prayer.

Regular readers will remember that we reported on the lethal influence of intercessionary prayer. Now, it seems that a direct appeal taps into God's more generous nature, as it did when Salma prayed for a pair of divine Winnebagos.

As a flat-chested teenager in despair, she asked for God's help. "I went to a church that was supposed to do miracles and I put my hands (her hands?) in holy water and I said, 'Please God, give me breasts."

Ladies and gentleman, if you've seen Salma Hayek's breasts (and really, who hasn't) you know that if Thomas Aquinas was around today, he would amend his proofs of God's existence to read:
"It is possible to demonstrate God's existence, although not a priori (by pure reason), yet a posteriori from some work of His more surely known to us and what is more known to us than Salma Hayek's hooters? I mean, check them babies out and then tell me there's no God. Fah!"

For further proof that these are indeed blessed bazongas, there's a tribe in Africa that worships them. Yes, Planeteers, according to Weekly World News, the Mandinka tribe of Gambia, Africa, worships Salma Hayek's breasts. It started, according to the Planet's Paper of Record, when Chief Tuamanguluka arranged Desperado to be screened for the villagers.

"When Hayek appeared on screen, the Mandinkans were blown away" recalled a a remarkably eloquent local farmer. "Salma was breathtakingly exquisite. She gave off a force, a light, an energy that came right through the screen and entered our very souls."

In the years since, the tribe has arranged screenings of every one of her films including Frida, because of Salma's holy unibrow. "Salma's chest globes are magnificent forces of nature," one of the villagers said. "They are large and firm and perfectly formed. Whenever they appear on screen, it is almost as though they are calling to us: 'We're here. We're here for you. Take power from us. Let us be your energy force. Close your eyes and let us engulf you.' "

And haven't we all felt that way when in the presence of Hayek's honkers?

The Mandinkans even have a chant, but it's too ridiculous even to copy here. Really, don't even ask.

But the round-up of Hayek breast news is not over, Planeteers, not by a long shot. According to something I ripped off the Internet, Salma "wants to 'kill herself' every time she sees her breasts on-screen. Salma revealed those bouncing beauties in Desperado, the same flick that coverted the Mandinkans, but Salma says that every time she watches the love scene with Antonio Banderas, she wants to kill herself. I, however, want to kill Antonio Banderas.

And so we come full circle.

Prayer may get you what you desire, but you will live to regret it.

And we can assume that intercessionary prayer is still lethal.


Jim Winter said...

If prayer is so fucking effective, why won't God kill Axl Rose like I keep asking him?

Or Pat Robertson?

Oh, wait. Pat's comic relief.

"He says he can lift 2000 pounds. Isn't that cute? Too bad I have to rain fire down upon him eventually."

Sandra Ruttan said...

Jim, sometimes God's answer to prayer is "No".

Patrick Shawn Bagley said...

You know, God might reconsider that Axl Rose request if we all join hands and pray real hard. C'mon, it's worth a try.

Bill Cameron said...

Aye, sometimes God says no, and in Salma's case, I guess she wishes God had said no. Of course, maybe when God said yes to Salma it was less in answer to her prayer than to the jerbillion prayers of gratitude that would be coming through henceforth.

As for Axl Rose...okay, I'm in.